You know you’re a Jew when…
After decades of dreaming about everything from girls, to breathing under water , to girls – suddenly I’m dreaming of…bacon.
First things first: I am a “lucid dreamer.” Which means that, while I dream, I realize I’m in a dream, and I make conscious decisions within the dream to shape it or change it. As recently as the 1980’s lucid dreaming was thought to not exist. But now scientists believe that 50% of people have had at least one lucid dream in their lives, and 20% have about one lucid dream per month.
I’m having them constantly. About bacon.
The thing about dreams is: there’s no hiding from the real you in your dreams.
Take the classic “I’ve gone to work and forgotten my clothes” dream. In such a dream, you may find yourself giving a presentation to your colleagues – only to look down and notice that you are presenting far more to your colleagues than you had bargained for.
If your first reaction is to be embarrassed and cover up – congratulations – you’re normal. Being embarrassed and covering up is probably what you would do in real life, if you suddenly found yourself presenting to your colleagues your naked PowerPoint (ahem). On the other hand, if your first reaction in a naked-at-the-office dream is to find the nearest vertical poll and start spinning on it, then perhaps your subconscious is trying to tell you that an office job is not for you.
The way “you” react in your dreams is the way You would react. The “you” in your dream is you.
The “me” in my dreams is a Jew.
Even though (depending on when you read this) I am not yet a Jew, my subconscious – the real me – is already a Jew. And he’s not just a Jew – he’s Shomer Kashrut.
After a lifetime of not dreaming about bacon, I suddenly find myself thrust into a parade of dreams that have tested me, coerced me, and even conspired to trick me with swine.
The first dream featured a pulled-pork sandwich. In the dream, the person who served me the sandwich told me it was fake vegetarian pork. One bite told me that was a lie. So I spit it out, didn’t swallow, and woke myself up.
Jew.
In another dream I was tricked with cheddar cheese. It seemed like normal cheddar cheese, but when I bit into it, all I could taste was bacon. I challenged my dreamworld bacon-pusher, but she claimed the cheese was just seasoned with fake bacon flavor. I sensed a lie. So again – ptuey-tuey – I spit it out and woke myself up.
Jew.
The most recent dream was downright weird and complex. I was confined to a hospital bed, and a doctor gave me an injection. When the “medicine” hit my bloodstream, I sensed something wasn’t Kosher. I asked the doctor: “What did you put in me?” He brushed me off, so I raised the intensity: “Was there pork product in that syringe?” Again, he punked me off. So I grabbed the doctor by his lab coat, yanked his face closed to mine, and menaced him until I saw fear in his eyes: “Tell me doc: will that shot kill me now, or in the afterlife?”
A Jew not to be messed with.
In my dreams, I dream as a Jew. That’s who I am in the deepest part of my subconscious.
Back in my waking world, I now return to my Jewish studies. So I can turn my dreams into reality.
Minus the bacon, of course.
