{Reposted from the SATIRICAL PreOccupied website}
Jerusalem, 7 July 2050 – Israel’s prime minister sought today to allay his political base’s fears that the much-anticipated application of Israeli law to certain parts of territory gained in 1967 from Jordanian occupation will again see delays, asserting that the controversial move will take place “in the coming weeks.”
Binyamin Netanyahu addressed the nation this afternoon from the Official Residence of the Prime Minister, to mark his fifty-first consecutive year as premier. The ninety-nine-year-old Netanyahu has consistently outmaneuvered, outfoxed, outrun, or simply outlived rivals from within his Likud Party and from elsewhere, enabling him to form numerous governments – most of which have failed to last the requisite four-plus years. Netanyahu used the occasion to repeat a venerable promise to the electorate: that only continued political support for him and his government can guarantee that the application of sovereignty to the Jordan Valley will in fact occur.
“I ask you to continue to place your trust in my leadership,” he stated, with his fourth wife, Suzy, and their two children, Ben-Tzion and Tzipi, at his side. “Only by holding together against the dangerous onslaught of those who would forfeit our strategic interests for the sake of dubious promises can we maintain and build on what we have achieved. Cyber.”
Israel’s elder statesman paused, a look of relief on his lined face after almost going three minutes without mentioning the term.
“It is past time we apply Israeli sovereignty to our historic heartland and strategically vital areas,” he argued. “The decision must be ours alone, without undue influence from those attempting to browbeat, blackmail, or otherwise threaten us with dire consequences lest we claim what is rightfully ours – by right of history, security, and international law. I urge us all to remain steadfast, because, really, it’s any moment now, figuratively speaking.”
Experts remain divided on whether this three-hundred-sixty-first assurance of imminent application of sovereignty will pan out. “Oh, please, it’s just background noise now,” insisted journalist Rabak Ravid. “Who even notices it anymore? Better to focus on Bibi’s corruption. Everyone knows that’s what interests the public.”
“I think he means it,” argued Yesha Freier of the nationalist Jewish Right at Home Party. “With the steady erosion of the country’s left wing ever since the Second Intifada almost fifty years ago, it’s been Bibi government after Bibi government. The right wing has had an effective majority in the Knesset for a couple of decades now, so I guess annexation could have happened any time at all since, but Bibi’s just trying to be extra sure. That’s all it is.”