I had the immense privilege to meet, and even hug, the one and only Iris Chaim at a lecture she gave near my home last week. For those who don’t know her, her son Yotam was taken hostage on October 7. After several months in Hamas captivity, Yotam and two other hostages managed to escape, only to be killed by friendly fire of the IDF. It was a shattering and shocking time for her, her family, and the entire country. She is truly an inspirational and righteous woman (and I don’t use that term lightly). She has uplifted our entire nation, giving so much light, hope and positivity through it all. Here are some of the key messages that I took away from her presentation, messages that I find so appropriate and compelling in light of our current situation in Israel:
1) In the photo above, Iris is wearing a pendant that a total stranger offered to make for her. It is engraved with the Hebrew words: “להאמין, לראות שטוב” which roughly translates as either: “Believe, See the good” or Believe that all is good/will be good”. Throughout her entire nightmare of an ordeal, Iris made the conscious decision to focus on all of the good things in the story, and in her life in general, every step of the way. To have an attitude of gratitude. She said something very powerful: One can choose to see the darkest pit or to see the brightest light.
2) Iris chose to remain hopeful and optimistic always, no matter what. Someone asked her: “Aren’t you afraid to be severely crushed and disappointed if the story has a bad ending?” She answered that of course she was fully aware of the possibility of a tragic ending (although none of us would have believed just how tragic), but why be disappointed from something that has not happened yet and may not happen at all? Be grateful in the moment, without thinking of what may be!
3) Yotam and two other hostages were killed by IDF fire, when they were tragically mistaken for terrorists. The soldiers who made that terrible mistake were unable to continue fighting, and they lost all desire to carry on. Someone from the army phoned Iris and told her about their situation. She and her husband made a decision to completely forgive them and to raise their spirits. Iris sent a recorded message to the soldiers in Gaza (during shiva!); a message of love, forgiveness, understanding, empathy, and a request that they continue to fight their best, and not worry about what happened! That recording not only raised the spirits of those soldiers, but of the entire nation as well! Iris’s message showed us all the importance of forgiveness, working on oneself, growing, improving as a person and moving forward; all of which are crucial to the times we are living in now.
4) Iris made a very interesting point about the army term for friendly fire in Hebrew: – ירי דו צדדי which literally means two-way fire. She said she could not understand that term in Yotam’s case because he did not have a weapon, it was only one side firing a gun. However, shortly after she sent the message to the soldiers who had mistakenly killed Yotam, a man who had shot one of his comrades by mistake 15 years prior, contacted her. He told her that he wished that someone had forgiven him. He said that his life stopped that day and he has never had a normal life since. That was when Iris said she understood the meaning of the term ירי דו צדדי, because both sides get wounded/killed – one physically and the other mentally. After all, the chayalim had no intention of hurting Yotam, quite the opposite, they were there to save him.
5) Almost immediately after they received the horrific news, they sat and worked on themselves with a group of therapists. They made the decision to view the entire situation as a victory for Yotam!!! They chose to see that Yotam had died a hero. He had escaped and broken free from the Hamas terrorists, he had made the choice to escape to freedom. He could now leave Gaza and return to his beloved land, and be buried among his people (something that some of the hostages may never get to do). Even as I write this, I find it hard to believe that anyone could look at this situation in that way, let alone parents who have endured hell on earth. Very few people in this world can reach such a level of acceptance and positivity in such a tragedy. Most people would be angry, blaming, critical, negative, depressed and horrified…and they would be justified. But not Iris. She has proven that it is always possible to fix any situation, to move onward and upward, and to become better people, no matter what.
6) One of the interesting takeaways from Iris’s talk was the fact that she had never come into contact with religious people, Judaism, going to Synagogue etc., before Yotam was kidnapped. She said she was completely secular, but now she understands that the terrorists and enemies of Israel do not distinguish between secular and religious Jews, nor between left wing and right wing Jews. We are one nation and we have to love and respect one another, and work together. Through it all, she never took sides or got involved in anything political, and she is open to loving and connecting with everyone.
7) When I approached her after the lecture, I told her that I didn’t understand why she calls herself a secular Jew. She looked puzzled. I said that she has such a big heart and such a lofty soul that I believe she is more religiously Jewish than most Jews on the planet! After all, what is Judaism if not the belief that all is for the good; working on one’s character traits; gratitude for what we have; loving one’s fellow Jew; and the sanctity of life itself?
Iris finished her presentation with a video clip of Yotam playing the drums. After he was tragically killed, his friends put the clip to music. The song they chose for it was the famous Israeli song: “את המנגינה הזאת אי אפשר להפסיק” – “It’s impossible to stop this melody”. I thought to myself: It’s not only Yotam’s melody that will live on, but all of Am Yisrael’s beautiful song of resilience, of love and hope, of surviving and thriving. No enemy, foe, adversary or terrorist state in the world can stop our melody. The Jewish nation will win, we will continue on, no matter what! Thank you Iris Chaim for these amazing life lessons! With love and admiration, Sara Krengel.
