Will it be embarrassing and degrading to the United States to hire out its elected leader for children’s birthday parties? Yes it will. But less so than if Obama skips the party to go negotiate a treaty with Russia or start another war with Libya. He’s much safer pretending to ride the pony while making scary faces when his teleprompter tells him to. And while his stock isn’t what it used to be, we stand a good chance of clearing a 100 million in a year. That won’t do much to dent the 10 billion he’s already spending a day. But it’s a start.And there’s no reason to stop there. Obama loves to golf. Let’s enter him in a celebrity golf tournament. What about Biden? He may not have much gravitas, but he could kill in the right comedy club. And let’s not rule out the occasional drinking contest. So many other members of the administration are also going around giving it away for free. Sure the crowds won’t line up around the block to hear Secretary of Education Arne Duncan juggle pies, but there’s got to be somebody out there who’ll pay for it. And that’s exactly what classified ads in the back of newspapers are for.
Liberals have been complaining that 33 congressmen are sleeping in their offices. And that’s a good start. But when all 535 congressmen and senators are sleeping in their offices– then we’ll be getting somewhere. And can someone ask Obama to please turn the thermostat down below Hawaii level temperatures. We’re paying for him to sleep there, not sunbathe there. And while we’re at it, what about charging him rent?
Liberals say we should squeeze the rich. And the average Senator is a millionaire. The top 10 richest Senators (7 out of 10 Democrats) have a combined net worth of over a billion dollars. Why the hell are we paying them to be in the Senate? They should be paying us.
The Romans auctioned off offices. Maybe we should start doing the same thing. Campaigns already cost millions of dollars, but the proceeds to go ad agencies, pollsters and television networks. This way the proceeds would go directly toward paying off the national debt. And to forestall the risk of incompetents in government, every Senator would be forced to buy a 1 trillion dollar malpractice insurance policy that would cover such eventualities as passing bills they haven’t read, assaulting other congressmen and bankrupting the government.
We would end up with the same government we have now– but at least the United States would be insured for the damages.
Every dollar begins with a dime and so does a government sale. Under the Federal Property and Service Administration Act of 1949, the Federal Surplus Property Program gives away items that federal employees have through some unnatural event declared surplus to requirements. Items being given away include jet engines, copy machines and backhoes. Has anyone ever heard of an auction? And why stop at auctioning off backhoes, when we can auction off bills.
Right now if a company or lobby wants a law passed, they have to go through a complicated process of exchanging favors. And the government doesn’t see a dime of that money. Why not just put a direct price tag on laws derived from their cost of enforcement and total expense.
Want a government grant for your crony capitalist green energy boondoggle or humanitarian project to educate tribesmen on how to use dishwashers? Just pay 110 percent off the cost of the grant and it’s yours. Doesn’t sound like such a good deal anymore. How do you think the taxpayers who funded your grants used to feel? Welcome to the new Capitalist America.
For a decade we’ve been paying a billion dollars to 250,000 dead people. And that’s fine. As a cost saving measure, from now on you have to be dead to collect subsidies. To pick them up, just show up at any government office in beautiful Bureaucratia with proof of your own death in hand. (Please note that lack of a conscience, soul or manners does not equate to being legally dead.) This should be good news to cowboy poets everywhere, who can rest easy knowing that they will be able to haunt the living with their poems from beyond the grave. “I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night alive as you or me. Says I, “But Joe you’re ten years dead”. “I never died,” says he, “I’ve been waiting in a government line.”The government has fifty-six programs across 20 agencies dealing with financial literacy. That’s all well and good, but they’re woefully misdirected at the general public. There’s an urgent need for financial literacy programs aimed at Washington D.C. If we could just teach them how to cut down from 10 billion a day to a piddling 1 billion a day, maybe the great scissors wouldn’t have to cut after all. Forget the fifty-six programs.
