{Originally posted to the author’s website, The Lid}
Well folks, it’s that time of the year again and beginning with Rosh Hashanah (translated as Head of the Year) through Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two day period.
Along with being the celebration of the Jewish New Year and the creation of the world by God, Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe (that’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents who are showing you pictures while you are trying to pray during the High Holiday services).The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and atone for our wrongs.
Some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time in God’s waiting room (Boca Raton) with Family (in New York State all Jews have to move to Florida once they hit 65 years old). Others in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday (and then gone on Saturday as usual).
Now we’ve built a nice little internet here, so please behave yourselves while we are gone. Remember, we’re not asking–we’re telling. A few rules to consider:
- Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. You know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks? That means with one phone call any of us can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. Do you believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
- Don’t make a mess of the place, the cleaning lady was just here. Hey, we can see what you’re thinking, get that look off your face, it will freeze that way.
- No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor we know how much is in every bottle. Remember, we can treat you like adults or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.
- We left some brisket and kugel in the fridge in case you get hungry.
- If you eat the brisket and/or kugel please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour.
- And for God’s Sake!!! Please put the brisket and/or kugel back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes great leftovers don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—-there are people starving in Africa.
- Please stop slouching it will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles, the sound is annoying and you will get arthritis.
- Don’t run with scissors! You’ll put an eye out.
- When you go outside remember to close the door, you don’t live in a barn.
- We left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge.
- Oh and one more thing…summer is over on Friday, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the empire state building–would you?
Why do you have to do these things? Because I said so!
Thank you for understanding.
Love,
The Chosen People