Antisemitism is growing in the world—even here in the United States. The freest country in the world. To be honest, I am just too tired to fight the charges.
As an American Jew whose family immigrated to the United States from Russia and Ukraine, the anti-Semitic words by people like Kanye initially horrified me. Still, I now realize that the time to be horrified is over. It is high time to fess up and tell the world the truth:
We Jews do run the world. And we’ve been running things for a very long time, manipulating world events for our own needs. It’s time to reveal the truth that many famous people now and throughout history were actually Jewish — part of the plot to perpetuate the myth and keep us in charge.
Martin Luther – yep, a Jew! But that one was pretty obvious. After all, he is famous for quitting his church to form a new one. Ever talk to a Jew about where he prays? He will tell you about the Synagogue he goes to and the one he would rather die than set foot in.
George Washington? Jewish, of course. James Monroe and Abe Lincoln also (take a look at their noses), So was John Adams (a short obnoxious guy whose real name was Ruby).
Napoleon was a Jew — no wonder he wanted to reconvene the historic Jewish court, the Sanhedrin. The French Emperor had this nervous habit of always playing with the Star of David hanging on a chain around his neck. The guy would look ridiculous, always sticking his hand in his shirt to play with the Star.
Most people don’t realize this but the Pope and all the Catholic Cardinals…members of the Tribe! You ever notice what they wear on their heads? Red Yarmulkes!
Morning Minyan At The Vatican
Alexander Graham Bell, another closet Jew, only invented the telephone so he could call his mother a few times a day. And the truth about Kanye (SHHH!)
Now that famous people like TV News stars constantly show their adoration for haters like Al Sharpton, a man who made it big by hating Jews, We should pin our yarmulkes on and should stop fighting.
For those wondering about the media…yep, it’s Jewish-controlled. We have this guy Lenny (a Levite), who lives in Cleveland with his wife and two kids. Lenny inherited the media-control job from his father. It was Mel, who, in 1942, convinced the New York Times and other Western newspapers to bury coverage of the Holocaust in the back of the paper. That’s the real reason they downplayed it. Mel did a great job.
All the news media in the world report to Lenny. As a news director, he is the best we’ve had for centuries. It was Lenny who thought up the idea that most news media should slant their coverage against Israel and ignore Antisemitism. He figured that if reporters gave the impression that Jewish blood is cheap, no one would figure out we were strong and running things. A few years ago, Lenny won a UJA (Underground Jewish Action) award for the idea that the media should not use the word “terrorist” whenever an Israeli Jew is killed.
As for terrorism…we don’t do that, not even the Mossad. We run the world, but we do not promote or allow killing others–the terrorists do that on their own.
The banks? No one really believes that silly thing about Jewish bankers in New York controlling all the stupid money! Sure, they’re all Jewish, but they come from Lithuania, not New York. We run the world’s monetary system from the EU central office. Our man there is named Harvey Cohn. And Harvey runs a tight ship.
I spoke to Harvey today; he agrees it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. But there is one thing he would like to do first. Much of the world’s “antisemitism” is part of the plot to perpetuate the myth that we do not run the world. Harvey even has Louis Farrakhan on the payroll (please don’t tell anyone it’s bad for his image).
You know that famous picture of Bigfoot walking through the forest? I hate to disappoint people but it was a Jew in a costume. He was on the way to the international convention of the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy (WWJC) and put on an Ape costume so people wouldn’t know about the convention.
There is one country whose leadership isn’t involved in the scam. France’s government really does hate the Jews. Harvey says that before the word gets out, he wants to use his vast financial powers to cancel every credit card owned by a member of the French Government (and to ruin their cash cards)
One thing that may surprise people is that Barack Obama is actually Jewish. He converted 20 years ago (it’s the only way we would let him run for president). I was honored by being invited to his bris. My wife even made a cheesecake. We told him he had to pick a Jew like Rahm Emanuel as Chief of Staff. Obama’s anti-Semitic policies were also Harvey’s brainchild. With the over-the-top hatred of Jews he displayed as president, no one would ever believe that he was really Jewish.
Oh, and Iraq? Well, Pat Buchanan and Barack Obama were right — our idea. But it had nothing to do with Israel and everything to do with avocados. You see, one thing we don’t control is the guacamole market, but that will change very soon.
Obama appointed Hllary secretary of state because every administration needs a Jewish lawyer. With her experience as an attorney, running the state department, her Jewish background, and her collection of pants suits, Hillary Clinton was the perfect person to begin negotiations for the one-sided anti-Israel JCPOA nuclear deal. Don’t believe me she’s Jewish? Why do you think her daughter married a Jew?
Coming out with the truth may lift a terrible burden from our shoulders. No more hiding, no more plotting, just going about the business of ruling the world.
But there is a downside. What if people don’t believe us? What if people were to hate us so much that they start to think we have little control over world events? What if they were to think that the Jews are an ancient people who survived only through their love of God and his Torah? What if people were to look at us not as world dominators but as a peaceful people who teach the world how to love God and each other? After all, Christianity and Islam grew out of the Jewish faith.
What am I saying? The Jews teaching people to love God and each other….No one could believe that!
{A satirical blog from The Lid}
