Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am a thirty-two year old divorcee living in mortal fear of remarriage and, at the same time, of never having a child or sharing my life with anyone.
This is not just an attention grabbing first line, it is the absolute truth. I am so worried that my fears will keep me from ever finding any kind of happiness. I truly understand why so many people remain single – the fear of falling into a terrible relationship is even greater when you have already experienced one. I know that I would choose death rather then go through my marriage again. My ex-husband still finds ways to torment me – and he has remarried.
We were new to Chicago having come to live there on a whim and the prospect of a better job for my father. I had just finished high school and didn’t know anyone, but became friendly with some of the other girls in shul.
As it turned out, my father’s hope for a better job was short lived so he became a mashgiach whenever one was needed and my mother got a babysitting job to help with the bills. I, being the oldest of a houseful of girls, decided to forget my dream of college and get a job. I found one in an office populated with Bais Yaakov girls and my social life took off. Going to shiurim and l’chayims, bat mitzvas and weddings exposed me to a wonderful world of people, many of whom began calling my parents with shidduchim for me.
I started to date and it was a pleasant experience for me, nothing like some of the stories one hears from time to time about non-talkers, frugal to spend on a nice restaurant, or worse! The few young men I dated before meeting the beast I married were all gentlemen. Yoav (not his real name) only seemed like a gentleman at the beginning. He was handsome (always a plus) and articulate with a bright sense of humor and smile to match. I think I was smitten from “Hello” and so were my parents. Everyone we asked about him – not too many as his parents lived in Israel and were not known in the community – had only good things to say. He had a steady job in a hedge fund company and he was a big baal tzedaka for such a young man. Our engagement was a short one and our married life began with much hope.
I will not expound on all the misery that followed, the uncontrollable rages that led to shoving and beating when business deals turned sour. I will not even speak of the arrests when his firm was found to be stealing from their clients and the shame that we faced in the community from friends and neighbors who were victimized by him. When my family couldn’t (actually wouldn’t) bail him out, because we could not raise the huge sum needed, he started retaliating against me. He spread vile rumors that I was barren, that one of my sisters was a prostitute and that my father was having an affair with a Gentile woman with whom he had a child. Even though the people who knew us did not believe the rumors, they seemed to take on a life of their own and we were ashamed to walk out in public knowing they would talk about us.
Long story short, after three years of “wedded bliss,” I managed to receive my get and was granted a divorce. I walked away with not a penny to my name as the house, cars, etc., were all confiscated to repay the investors. My parents are broken people, my sisters having difficulty finding jobs and shidduchim, because no one trusts us by association and by smeared reputation. I have managed to relocate with the hopes of starting fresh in a new place where no one has ever heard of me. But I have become so paranoid about meeting other men, because I can never trust anyone intimately again. I am seeing a therapist, but after two years in therapy she has come to the end of her usefulness for me, as things seem to be sliding backwards instead of forward progress.
I need help and guidance as I am stuck in a very bad place right now.
Dear Friend,
You had my ear even before your opening line made its way out of the envelope. Along with my attention and concern you also have my sincere sympathy for the terrible things both you and your family have suffered at the hands of this deceptively evil con artist. There are no safeguards from falling into such traps as were set by the Yoavs of this world. However, as long as there is life, and you have faith in Hashem that He will send you your true zivug, all is still possible.
I am concerned that you have reached a stumbling block in your therapy and that your confidence in your therapist has been compromised. If you have discussed this with your therapist and the outcome of that conversation was not satisfactory to you, it might be time to find someone else with a fresh and progressive outlook to your needs. Therapy is the vital key to help you overcome your fears and develop a healthy outlook for your future. Please do this immediately if not sooner.
Seeking a life partner is always arduous and precarious work and involves becoming a private detective, a member of the FBI and CIA, all while seeming to be genteel, inquisitive and friendly. Sounds almost impossible, doesn’t it? But Hashem is the ultimate Shaddchan and you have to learn to listen to what He’s whispering in your ear. He built into each and every one of us a warning system that, if listened to, will ward off some mighty big mistakes before they happen. That is, of course, if you’re not blinded by grand trappings, huge piles of money and other lovely things. Human frailty often blinds us to the obvious and does not allow us to register the gut warnings that may have a long term affect on our happiness.
As for you, good friend, I hope you will continue to pursue your road to recovery. Your heart will heal with time and guidance, your memory will dim and you will find the one Hashem has chosen for you. Learn forward and not backward. Trust will come when you find him and love, marriage and children will follow, hopefully in that order.