Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I can’t understand how people can be so shallow and superficial as to judge others on what they wear and in what circles they travel. I was privy to the heartache and the pain caused by people who took part in the character assassination and humiliation of a dear friend. I have been witness to many things in my thirty-two years but I have never come across such a pack of bottom feeders and predators as these people.
My friend Gitty* had finally found the person she thought could be her better half and asked me, along with four other people, to be references for her in regards to her character and virtue. Needless to say, I was thrilled for her; we were part of a group of singles in our 30s. I readily agreed to vouch for her and asked whom the others were, thinking she would name those in our small, but tight, group of friends. When she told me the names of the other people, I was totally floored and disgusted.
Let me backtrack. Gitty and I, along with a small group of other modern Orthodox friends looked to leave our hometown of Chicago because of business prospects, social opportunity and the bitterly cold winters. Eventually, we all ended up in the same state and living in close proximity to each other. We often got together for Shabbat meals and, as our affiliations broadened, set each other up on dates. Gitty worked in a high profile law firm and, over time, we began seeing less of her. She would call me from time to time to touch base and exchange information. Her friends now included the people she worked with daily, most of whom our close group had never met.
When she called to tell me she had been set up with Justin* (whom I had met at a business seminar some three weeks before) I was thrilled, as he had impressed me as a great guy, someone who was witty, personable and a total mentch. I told all of this to Gitty and she was so happy that I agreed to be a reference for her. Then she told me the four others she had chosen, people from her office whom she had previously described to me as social climbers, people who were not necessarily looking out for her best interest and never did anything for her if there wasn’t anything to gain for themselves. When I reminded her of these things, she said they would never sabotage her happiness and that she had come to trust them.
Justin called me two days later and I gave him wonderful information about Gitty – all of it true. He seemed really glad at what he heard and said that he had very deep feelings for Gitty and was ready to take it to the next level. When we ended the call, I was feeling good about our conversation and sure Gitty would be calling soon with good news.
Six weeks went by and no call from Gitty. I was very busy at work and did not really have time to focus on why I hadn’t heard from her. Then, about three weeks ago, I picked up the morning paper and saw a picture of Gitty being wheeled into an ambulance, clinging to life. The article said that she had attempted suicide because she was despondent over a failed relationship. In shock, I called the hospital only to be told she was critical and that the doctors were working on her.
As you can imagine, we all tried to find out what happened. Gitty was always grounded, strong and logical and full of life; suicide was just not something she would ever consider. The truth began to come out and it was extremely ugly. One of the other women she had given as a reference used to date Justin and when she heard that things were getting serious, she began to spread lies about her, which were, in a lesser way, supported by the other three people in the office Gitty had asked to speak for her. Justin believed it all and completely cut off contact with Gitty. She was beyond destroyed, and just couldn’t go on.
How I wish I had known what was going on during those dark weeks; maybe I could have consoled her and given her strength to move forward. I know our close knit family of friends would have stopped at nothing to expose the lies for what they were. But that didn’t happen and now we may lose a wonderful friend and beautiful human being.
I don’t know why I’m writing this or what, if any, good will come of it. Perhaps it is to appease my battered conscience. Or maybe to bring to light the terrible devastation lies and rumors can bring about, how one can kill a person with lashon hara, how one can destroy another human being with nothing more than words.
Dear Friend,
I’m so sorry for your pain. May the Almighty take pity on your friend and bring her back to those who love and appreciate her.
True friends feel for each other, protect one another and go through joys and sorrows together. Gitty is fortunate to belong to just such a group of friends who will shake the gates of Heaven in prayer on her behalf.
Do not fault yourselves for being preoccupied with your own agendas; there is no way any of you could have anticipated what would happen and there is rarely a warning from the oppressed that they are contemplating suicide. Gitty was beyond reason and I doubt that had you called her, she would have heard your message.
Lashon hara is the most lethal weapon – it kills with precision, without shedding a drop of visible blood. But Hashem is watching and He will render justice. I know this may bring you little solace at this time, but as Gitty gets stronger, you will need to believe this truth if you are going to succeed in helping her find the faith and will she needs to get well.
Let this be a lesson to everyone what dangers lurk in the speaking and the listening of lashon hara! Make no mistake in thinking there is such a thing as innocent gossip; there is always going to be a perpetrator and a victim. Please don’t ever put yourselves in a position of being either.