Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I know I am going to come off sounding selfish and anti-social, however, there is an issue that I find so personally disturbing and yet so community accepted that I don’t know what to do. Over the past 13 years of my married life it has evolved from something that was mildly irritating to what is at best an intrusion and at worst a robbery of any family time my children and I have with my husband.
Shabbos, the one day my husband has off from work (yes, he works Sunday too), is almost always shared with guests for both meals. Sometimes we do the hosting and other weeks we are eating in other homes. We just don’t have any quality family life anymore and I find it draining to have to prepare lavish meals – and let’s not even discuss the expense.
Why do we do it? My husband loves it. He enjoys seeing lots of people at his table as he comes from a large family (he is one of nine siblings) and always had an open door policy at home. My family, on the other hand, is a small one, and this situation has become very overwhelming for me.
Honestly, it is the cause of many disagreements.
My five children have expressed their sadness at not having “special” time with their father. Our oldest son, who is nearing bar mitzvah, tells us all the time that other boys in his class have fathers who take time to take them to sports games or do father and son learning with them on Shabbos afternoon. He does not have that. He would love to spend time alone with his father, but his father would rather entertain strangers. My husband does not seem to realize that time moves quickly and very soon the day will come when the children won’t care.
I don’t want my children to grow up as living orphans, without the attention and love of their father, but that seems to be what’s happening. I know my husband loves them and me, however, the feeling that they are what he values most is not coming across to them.
Is there anything I can do to make him aware of how much damage his Shabbos hachnosas orchim project has caused our family?
Dear Friend,
There is absolutely something you can do: show him this column as soon as you can! Place it under his plate at the Shabbos table alongside the gefilte fish, and I’m sure he will have something extra to chew on!
When is a mitzvah not a mitzvah? When it causes more pain and sorrow then pleasure and joy and when it impedes on the holiness of one’s shalom bayis!
I can see where this kind of socializing on Shabbos can become a problem because it is quite widespread in my own community. It is almost a weekly Shabbos activity where families either host other families or eat out at other homes. At face value, this is a beautiful thing. It teaches our young to welcome others to our Shabbos tables, perhaps those who do not have the ability to enjoy the spirit of Shabbos to its fullest, or have no one with whom to sit and share the beauty of the day. It is a mitzvah to invite those who do not have where to be – the baal teshuvah, the widow or widower. It is lovely to invite newcomers to the community to your table so that they can feel warm and embraced. However, simply to have neighbors, friends and people from shul every Shabbos, week in and week out or eat at other homes in return of your hospitality, is robbing your family of the attention that is priceless, not to mention one of the greater mitzvos in the Torah.
Sir, if you are indeed reading this, please understand that your time seems to be at a premium and therefore, you do not have the luxury to waste it on idle chatter, foolish gathering or people of lesser consideration than your own children or spouse. Your eldest son is growing up quickly and there may well come a day when you will crave a closeness with this boy, or with your other children, but they will be too busy hanging out with others who have filled the void you created. Take a long look around your table and see with whom you should spend those precious hours of Shabbos. It’s okay to have guests at your table occasionally. It’s okay to eat out every once in a while, just not every Shabbos. Shabbos is a time to be involved in what is going on in your children’s lives, and to invest in your marriage.
Remember, a mitzvah is only a mitzvah when it benefits the receiver, the giver and all those directly affected. Now go and enjoy the cholent.