Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I hope this e-mail finds you and your family well. I am writing to you regarding the subject matter in your column about women and bais din.
I have always endeavored as a Dayan to respect all people who appear before me and rule according to Shulchan Aruch regardless of who the litigants are.
I have recently been installed as the Menahel (Director) and Dayan on the Bais Din of the Igud HaRabonim which I am sure you are familiar with. The Bais Din of the Igud has always represented honesty, respect and above all, sensitivity to the litigants. Therefore, I am dismayed and upset at the writer’s pain and anguish.
I am sure you can agree, based on your experience, that divorce is very traumatic, almost the equivalent of going to war, and as such, everything is fair game. My rebbe, Rav Yisroel Belsky, z”l, used to say that people go to Bais Din to win, not for din. That is what divorce, or for that matter, dinei Torah are. Your readers should also know that an action in civil court is no better. It just takes much longer and the costs are astronomical, which could and does in many cases bankrupt one or both sides. I remember a case where a professional was involved in a nasty divorce with his wife and ultimately had to declare bankruptcy because of all the costs involved. They litigated the matter in Civil Court and ultimately the ex-wife never saw her share of the marital estate since it went to the attorneys.
Baruch Hashem, I have never experienced the pain of divorce, however, I do understand and empathize with the pain that the divorcing couple feels. Of course, the experiences of the wife are totally different than that of the husband. However, it is true that today there is a malady of how some men treat women. What I do know, is that the rabbonim of the previous generation from whom I had the privilege to learn, never felt or treated women this way. One major reason I joined the Igud was because of their sterling history and reputation in all matters, but most especially in regards to how women are treated. Our rules permit attorneys and/or Toanim. As with all representation, there are people who are qualified and those who are not. Therefore, I must advise someone to pick the right venue and counsel when litigating a matter.
I am also dismayed that the author of the letter ran to civil court based upon the advice of a civil attorney. I must state clearly that the attorney would undoubtedly make more money on a civil court filing than in Bais Din. I will concede that there are Batei Din that fit the description the writer shared and who, unfortunately, may not have done their job properly.
Yet, no matter what, halacha requires these matters to be settled in Bais Din. In the Shulchan Aruch and in Choshen Mishpat these points are clearly stated. If people, feel that Bais Din is not the venue for them, then I must ask: “Why keep kosher or any other mitzvah?” We have a Shulchan Aruch and must strive to live our lives accord to it.
I must emphatically state that in the letter you printed we only heard from the wife and have no idea what the husband would say in response. There are many times when the divorcing husband is saddled unfairly in the Civil Court system and his only recourse is in Bais Din. Hypothetically, I wish to state that if the testimony is as presented by the writer and the divorcing husband has no response, halacha would dictate that the Bais Din rule in the wife’s favor and she would do very well. However, please let me ask a question. Lets say the wife gets everything she wishes in Civil Court, the husband would then withhold the Get to negotiate a better deal. What the wife would then experience are many years as an Agunah. Is this what she wants?
There is a wonderful publication entitled Jewish Divorce Ethics: The Right Way To Say Goodbye by Rabbi Reuven P. Bulka. In it, Rabbi Bulka explains how people should divorce, especially if there are children, as the divorcing couple will always have an association.
The second issue raised in your column is that of the treatment of women in certain publications. Please note, that this is the position that they have adopted. It is not a reality of our society today, whereby our wonderful eishes chayalim serve in prominent positions. However we may disagree them, their position must be respected. People can either support these publications as they are or attempt to force them to change by letting them know that they will not purchase their publications until they reverse their positions.
Finally, I am including the contact information for the Bais Din of the Igud HaRabonim: 800-265-9820, or via e-mail at [email protected]. We are updating our website and it should be online this coming week. There you will find the rules under which the Bais Din operates and everything else a potential litigant would need to know.
I wish you continued hatzlacha.
Rabbi Chaim Komendant,
Menahel/Dayan – Beth Din –
Rabbinical Alliance of America Inc.
Dear Rabbi Komendant,
It was very kind of you to write in and enlighten our readership. However, there are a number of points where I respectfully differ with your observations.
From my recollections of a case before you, I do recall your being fair-minded and proffering your judgement based solely on Da’as Torah. You were truly honorable and fair. However, that could not be said about the others you sat with, those who overrode your judgement, while you did little to challenge or confront them. Somehow, your unwillingness to stand up to them on what you knew to be right takes a lot of the value of your judgement away. When wrong is so powerful that right sits silent, wrong wins – and where is the justice in that? In spite of everything and, although Bais Din ruled in our favor, they failed us in that they could not enforce their judgement and recoup what was due.
As to the integrity of the Bais Din of the Igud HaRabonim, that I agree with. However, the same cannot be said of many other Batei Din. Sadly, they only cause more pain to the litigants, forcing them to accrue far more monetary losses due to the lengthy lapse of time for resolution, sometimes numbering many years. In fact, one such case just now resolved had the woman in Bais Din for more than nine years!
Let me clarify, the letter writer did not leave Bais Din at the behest of any civil attorney, but rather by virtue of the warnings of others who had gone to Bais Din and had been railroaded.
And while you are correct that we only heard one side of the story, that is the nature of this type of column. I welcome the opportunity to hear both sides.
I truly do agree that as Jews we must take our disputes to Bais Din. However, comparing not going to Bais Din to eating tarfus and being mevater on mitzvos, in my opinion is a bit of a stretch. Most mitzvos are in our hands, whereas going to Bais Din is putting ones fate in the hands of people who are swayed by other means and could destroy one’s future.
Divorce is a terrible journey that decimates all involved under normal circumstances, let alone when it is dragged out and abused by a lengthy and demeaning process in Bais Din or a Civil court. No one gets rich except for the lawyers and in many cases, that’s how it works out. Would it thus not be prudent to install a panel of rabbonim to oversee the workings of our Batei Din, so that any impropriety can be addressed just as exists in the secular court system?
Lastly, the problem with graying out or omitting a woman’s visage in photographs is indeed something to be reckoned with. When Mr. and Mrs. Ploney Almoney are being honored for their service and philanthropic contributions and only Mr. Almoney’s picture is in evidence, it seems to be saying that she is not important. Yes, some publications adhere to an unreasonably extreme ideology, one that overshadows logic and reason. When did this become the norm? How did this become acceptable? Did reason die out with the past generation? When did chumras become halacha? What’s next, burquas for our mothers, daughters and sisters? Since when is a woman’s face not tznius?
In closing, I thank you for inviting our readership to reach out to you and the Bais Din of the Igud and I’m sure this will be of great assistance to anyone in need of your services.