Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I having a hard time writing this letter as what I have is the oddest problem. I am sure that this letter is the only one of its kind you have ever received; yet I am quite sure it borders on child abuse or neglect.
This was the first summer I have gone to the country, to give my kids some place to run free and play. I took a two-bedroom bungalow in a very frum colony where many of our friends spend the summer and I have to say that the first two weeks were a major adjustment for me. I hated the bugs and the damp musty cramped shack I had forfeited my comfortable apartment for. I disliked the clicks that formed amongst the women and forced me to choose who I would sit with and converse. I hated that everyone knew everyone else’s business. Needless to say, I sacrificed quite a lot so that my children could benefit from the experience.
After the first month, a few new families left and new ones moved into the empty bungalows. Amongst the new arrivals was a family that was not like most of the other families. The boys did not have payos or wear their tzitzis out. In fact, the mother, a young and seemingly friendly woman, didn’t cover her hair the way the rest of us did. She wore a long fall with much of her front hairline showing, as well as sleeves well above the elbow. She made a great effort to become friendly with us; some rebuffed her attempts, while the rest of us were cool but friendly. She had three children almost the exact ages as mine and my youngest son and her youngest boy liked to play together.
One the one hand, my three-year-old was a quiet and introverted child so I was happy he made a friend, however, it put me in a position of having to be friendly with his mother. You see, I knew there were those who would not speak with me if I were friends with her, but I wanted my son to be happy.
Shortly after their arrival, my son asked if “Noach” could come play in our bungalow. Of course, I agreed and all was fine until “Noach” said he needed to use the bathroom. I took him in and helped him with his shorts and training pants, and nearly had a heart attack. You see, “Noach” as not the little boy I thought he was. He was a she.
Horrified, I called the mother for an explanation and she “explained” that “Noa” was indeed a girl, but she liked to dress like her older brothers and they were letting it do it until she got it our of system. They believed it was a passing faze and no harm would come of it.
Needless to say, I was speechless – until I got angry that is. In a clipped voice I asked why she hadn’t told me, as I would never have allowed our children to play tougher if I had known. Her response was to say she was coming to get her child.
Mrs. Bluth, how could she and her husband encourage such a thing? It borders on obscenity and abusive cruelty, does it not? Should they not be reported for this? Should I not warn the other friends about this so their own children aren’t exposed to such harmful example? Please let me know right away so that I know what course of action to take!
Dear Friend,
Take a deep breath, step back from the ever-growing fantasies playing out in your mind. The situation you are so horrified with and the people you see as child abusers are nothing of the sort, and, were you to, chalila, report them to any agency, it is you who would be the abuser in this case, by having those children removed from loving, albeit progressive thinking parents and destroying an otherwise close and caring home. Sit down and listen closely.
Children as young as three and sometimes older, look to older siblings as role models. Noa is the youngest child with two older brothers she obviously loves and wants to copy. She wants to be just like them. So it follows that she would want to dress like them. I assure you that this is just a passing fancy that will last a short time before Noa seeks out the company of other little girls when she starts kindergarten. What harm is there in her playing with your son while everyone is under the impression that she is a he? Your son was happy playing with his new little friend, it made no difference to him that she was not a boy. Children of that age are not gender sensitive.
Children that young are simply choosing to control their environment in a superficial way, and, generally, it lasts for a short time. Then they go on to have other adventures and fantasies. Nothing would have happened to your son while playing with this child for the short few weeks of the summer.
You, on the other hand, have a problem. You seem to judge those who do not fit the cookie-cutter image you have. It seems to me that your problem with this family started well before the Noach/Noa episode. You labeled the family as different from the first moment you say them. From your description it would seem that you saw them as people to be avoided. You viewed them as a plague that could somehow afflict your own child, when nothing is farther from the truth.
Many of us choose to separate ourselves from those of our brothers and sisters who we see as inferior. We feel that we are better because we are more religious, holier, more beloved by Hakodosh Boruch Hu, more deserving of consideration and worthiness.
How mistaken you are to believe this when Hashem Himself commanded us to love every Jew because we are all His children. We all have the same rights and privileges in His eyes. So, who are you to pass judgement?
Take a deep look and do nothing. This little girl’s curiosity may have moved on to other things. And spreading rumors will cause great hurt and needless pain, so fight the urge to be the bearer of lashon hara and save yourself the probability of future regret.
What you should do is consider what your agenda is and see if you cannot replace the hardness of your heart with the beautiful, healing spirit of love for all our people, in spite of their diversity.