Let’s begin with the first element, hakaras hachet. In order to engage in repentance we have to acknowledge the folly of our ways. This is not so simple. First of all, we do not always recognize the sinful nature of our actions, such as when we speak lashon hara thinking that our words are permitted or when we hurt someone’s feelings unwittingly.
In addition, our sages tell us that if we sin repeatedly the actions become viewed in our mind as permitted. We often find ourselves slipping into a routine that we eventually come to justify. In such situations it can be easy for our yetzer hara to convince us that we have no hope; that we are too far along on our deviant path to ever turn things around.
To overcome such thinking, we need to realize that error and sin are as central to the human condition as any other quality. We all make mistakes every day of our lives. We must be ready to accept that fact and cultivate the self-confidence and integrity to admit when we falter. Our ability and willingness to do so, perhaps more than anything else, will allow us to take control of our teshuvah process and our lives in general.
Once we have come to terms with our sinful conduct, we typically begin to feel charata (regret). Whether the victim of our deeds is another person or Hashem (or both), we need to be able to express our regret clearly and without condition. To do that, consider following these steps:
Apologize sincerely. Saying “I’m sorry” must communicate genuine regret for your behavior and a wish that you had acted differently.
Take complete ownership. Avoid shifting the blame (“I apologize that you misunderstood me,” “I am sorry that you felt that way,” etc.). Doing so greatly diminishes the apologizer’s effectiveness. Implying that the other person was partly responsible for what occurred or for his hurt feelings places the listener on the defensive and causes him to view you as disingenuous and perhaps even accusatory. And that is no way to apologize.
Avoid excuses. State your error directly, without justification. To the listener’s ear, excuses not only feel like an attempt to validate the wrongdoing, they may even sound like an attack, as if he, the aggrieved party, was inconsiderate to hold you accountable in the first place.
State how you intend to fix things. Articulating your intent to correct matters, including restitution (pei’raon) where needed, will do wonders to convince the listener of your sincerity. It should be simple, realistic, and detailed.
Follow through. Few things damage a relationship more than when a person sets expectations for change and then does not follow through. In many ways it is worse than not having apologized in the first place. When we do not act as promised, others question our will and our trustworthiness.
The step following regret and apology, known as azivas hachet (“abandoning” or desisting from sin) – may be the hardest of all. As noted above, once we start along a path of poor behavior, we can find it hard to get unstuck.
Rabbi Paysach Krohn (Reflections of the Maggid, ArtScroll Mesorah) relays a thought from Rabbi Shlomo Teitlebaum of Kew Gardens, New York. Rabbi Teitlebaum was once in the Bronx Zoo when he heard a ferocious roar. He recognized it as being that of a lion but felt no fear. He knew the lion was in a cage and posed no threat to him or others.
Rabbi Teitlebaum then considered our response to the days of “Aryeh” (Hebrew for a lion, also an acronym for Elul, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Hoshana Rabbah). When we fail to hear the “roar” of these auspicious days, it may be because we have erected a sizable barrier between us and our Creator, making it difficult to feel inspired to change our ways.
