This latter reason is especially true where boys are involved, now that there is no one to sit with them in shul and at yomim tovim; however, embarrassment over inviting friends to a Shabbos table with one parent missing can make non-observance seem like the better option to girls as well as boys.
Variety of Responses
When a member of the community abandons religious practice, it is easy to look with disdain on that fact, which of course only adds insult to injury. Understanding that the choice to leave behind a frum lifestyle results from reasons connected to the divorce, we may often be in a position to do something to help.
Providing an alternative example to that of the non-observant parent can, at times, have a positive effect. Shared stories of our own times of despair, and of the role our religious practice played in getting us through those times, can bolster others as they waver about whether to remain frum.
Simply listening to their stories of pain can help children of divorce remain connected to the frum community, while telling those stories can empower them to take back some control over their own lives. And whether it is inviting a boy to sit with you in shul or inviting a girl to join your Shabbos table, just a little initiative and welcome can go a long way toward making the frum lifestyle more natural and so much less uncomfortable, embarrassing, and hard.
There is, of course, no easy solution to ensure that children of divorce will never wander from religious practice. But when we are aware that the decision to abandon the frum life is often the result of the experience of divorce, and when we understand the reasons for this choice, the result is compassion (at least) and action (at best).
Like the young Moses who saw his people’s burdens and helped them carry their loads, we may lighten the burdens of those in our midst who struggle with the aftermath of divorce and the result might just be a community enriched by their continued presence and blessed by our concern.
Alienation
By far the greatest number of responses in the study fell under the category of “Alienation.” Not only do the women find themselves alienated from former spouses and married friends, but often they find themselves alienated from their own children.
Since our focus here is on the negative effects of divorce on children, it’s important to note that, in the wake of divorce, kids experience alienation, too – in a number of different forms, and often all at the same time: alienation from one or both parents, alienation from siblings, alienation from friends, and alienation from their frum community.
As one of the women put it:
We had more friends and neighbors while we were married; even though he was what he was, people made allowances. Now I feel like we have leprosy. People do not invite us over like they used to; they do not come to our homes like they used to. Like there is something wrong with us. We feel isolated. We have just a couple of close friends left.
Another mother admitted, “I don’t invite people for Shabbos because I’m embarrassed for my kids.”
As difficult as this alienation from the wider community is for children (of all ages), even more difficult is the alienation that frequently occurs between them and one or both parents. Sometimes one parent will pull the kids away from the other parent; sometimes the parent(s) may push the kids away from themselves.
One mother said, “My ex-husband alienated my oldest son from me; he convinced my oldest to live with him.”
