The first priority for these young men and women is safety and protection from harm. This should be coupled with the second priority – a structured environment to ensure that these children are prevented from hurting their minds and bodies, as they are prone to do. Their ability to learn in a yeshiva, or even to be shomer Shabbos, may not be as essential if their lives are in danger. Shmiras Shabbos and being shomrei Torah u’mitzvot take on a secondary role to safety.
The third important factor: specialized services that can be offered within or outside the school. Is there a well-credentialed person on staff to provide counseling and crisis intervention? Does the yeshiva/seminary have an affiliation with a mental health professional or a treatment milieu that students are referred to as needed?
The fourth criterion for parents in search of a specialized program is the presence of a good mashpia (mentor). There has been much emphasis of late on the important role of the mashpia/mashgiach in kollel. This is all the more necessary in the lives of young men or women who are no longer shomer Shabbos or who have serious drinking or other substance abuse problems.
The mashpia serves in the multiple roles of parent, protector and mentor. And in most situations, all these roles will be required at varying intervals. In the case of a student with an eating disorder, medical management becomes the priority and so the mashpia takes on the added role of conferring with the physician and mental health therapist. In the case of a young man who is a loner, a mashpia knows to search him out, to lend an ear and to facilitate his entry into appropriate social environments.
The fifth priority is size. We don’t want this teenager to be lost in a big crowd; conversely, we would like to see him in a program that provides various options of friends and behaviors to choose from. Yeshivas and treatment programs in Israel and the U.S. that specialize in serving these adolescents range in size from ten to one hundred. In the context of size, the question is: How well will your child receive the individual services he or she requires?
It is worthwhile to note that some yeshivas and seminaries in Israel have a program within a program. For example, a seminary with one hundred girls may have a specialized program for fifteen of those students with learning disabilities, self-esteem problems, or lagging social skills.
We have not yet emphasized the chinuch and learning the yeshiva/school will provide our children, or, for that matter, the level of religiosity. This is a fundamental aspect of our approach. The young man or woman first has to be in the right frame of mind to be interested in (or open to) “receiving” learning. By meeting the child where he or she is, we must first respond to the most pressing need: protecting them from further harm.
My colleagues and I at Ohel have been witness to remarkable transformations in young men and women who went in to these yeshivas/programs with a spate of serious problems – some even life-threatening – and came out one or two years later significantly different and better persons. I’ve spoken to scores of such young people during their year in Israel as well as several years after their return. They often describe their life’s defining moment as occurring during this one year post-high school program.
If you and your child disagree on which yeshiva program to select, you don’t have to fight this battle alone. You and your son or daughter will be meeting with the rosh yeshiva, mashpia r director of the various programs you’re considering. Enlist their assistance throughout the interview process. While the mashpia longs for a good challenge, his interest is in working with young people and families whose shared goal is one of success, even when child and parent are in conflict.
