Adults are more focused on self-identity. We measure ourselves not only by our relationships but also by our values and behavior. What I believe and what I do and value make me who I am. And we develop strongly held convictions around those beliefs. When others hurt us, whatever their intention, we see it as an attack on our very essence. Such feelings are harder to let go of and can often linger indefinitely. At that point, it’s no longer about what they did but about how they’ve made us feel.
We are wired to want to think of ourselves as right and justified. It simply feels good. It also feels good when we can put others down, especially if it’s because of an incident involving us.
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Another reason why we play the “right/wrong” game so willingly is that it allows us to assume the victim role. Say, for example, someone fired us from our job. Maybe we didn’t perform particularly well or get along with the right people. But because it’s so hard for us to admit that, we say things like “they downsized,” or “someone had it in for me,” or “my boss didn’t appreciate the challenges I faced.”
Being the victim allows us to shift blame away from ourselves onto someone else, which always feels better and helps us save face.
The problem with staying in blame mode is that it can often leave you powerless and depressed. For example, if you confront the person (your boss, your spouse, your parent, your child) who wronged you, and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or worse, “So what if I did?” you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.
In addition, when you hold on to resentment you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. And if that weren’t enough, by holding on to grudges we often cause Heaven to withhold something that we may desperately want.
A story is told of Reb Shmuel Kaufman of Detroit, who had been married several years and had not been blessed with children. During a visit to the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a berachah, the Rebbe asked Rabbi Kaufman if he had ever in his life caused any pain to a Jewish girl. After much reflection he remembered one young lady he had dated but had ultimately decided was not for him. This woman had harbored some resentment ever since.
The Rebbe told Reb Shmuel that he would never have children until he received forgiveness from this woman. After much searching Rabbi Kaufman was able to send a message to ask her for forgiveness. However, the woman, who was still unmarried, said she would never forgive him. When the Rebbe was told of her response he said, “Tell her in my name that she should forgive you so that you will be able to have children and that she in turn will find her soul mate.” She forgave him. Not long afterward the Kaufmans were expecting their first child and the woman had become a kallah.
On Yom Kippur we need to be able to let go of grudges. Of course, there may be situations where you have no halachic obligation to forgive. But that should not stop you from trying to look past the pain and find room in your heart to move on.
I know it’s not easy. I have fought with these feelings myself and sometimes still do. But I also know it can and should be done, for you more than for them. These are some strategies that can help:
- Accept what is, then let go. The past is called the past for a reason. We can’t change it, no matter how much we want to. So there’s no point in reliving it. The sooner we recognize that the faster we will come to a better place.
- Recognize the Divine Element. Just because we don’t like what happened does not mean it was not meant to be. We may not ever find out why losing that potential spouse, that job, that money, or something else was in our best interest. But our belief in siyata dishmaya tells us that the outcome was nonetheless preordained.
- Own your portion. While you may not have deserved the hurt you experienced, there may have been a part of the hurt you are partially responsible for. Ask yourself what you could have done differently and commit to that behavior moving forward.
- Focus on the present. When you live in the here and now, you have less time to think about the past. When unpleasant memories creep into your consciousness (as they are bound to do from time to time), acknowledge them for a moment. And then bring yourself gently back to the present moment and focus instead on all of the good in your life and all that you have achieved since that hurt occurred.
- Forgive wholeheartedly. We all make mistakes and will do so every day of our lives. We may not have to forget another person’s bad behavior, but virtually everybody deserves our forgiveness. Sometimes we get so stuck in our pain and our stubbornness that we can’t even imagine forgiveness. But forgiveness isn’t saying “I agree with what you did.” Instead, it’s saying “I don’t agree with what you did, but I forgive you anyway.”
Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s simply saying: “I’m a good person. You’re a good person. You did something that hurt me. But I want to move forward with my life and welcome joy back into it. I can’t do that fully until I let this go.”
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One last point to consider: On Yom Kippur we do everything in our power to loosen ourselves from our physical, corporeal shackles and become spiritually elevated. We want to become pure like the angels and in a sense emulate Hashem as well. He describes Himself as merciful and compassionate and our sages direct us to follow in His ways. “Just as He is merciful, you too shall be merciful. Just as He is compassionate, so too shall you demonstrate compassion.”
