How can parents avoid becoming fragmented during their at-home hours so as to ensure more quality time with their children?
One successful strategy is to set strict professional limits whenever possible. Tell associates or clients how important family is to you and that you will complete the work or respond later. Research show that parents who can arrange not be on call from the time the kids come home from school until they are in bed, or at least until all of their homework is done, typically experience a calmer and more satisfying home environment.
Of course, true quality time also means spending personalized time with each individual child on a regular basis. That time should also be irrevocable, unless previously discussed and rescheduled. Children should know that, barring any uncontrollable circumstances, they will receive the personal attention that they crave at the time they expect it.
It should also be time well spent. In some instances, this may involve learning b’chavrusa or engaging in some other form of mitzvah-based activity. It can also mean time spent in discussion, whether casual, philosophical, or otherwise. Come prepared to discuss matters that interest them, including the difficult questions they rarely have the opportunity to ask about. By showing your children the Torah can and does respond to all matters of life, you will help them develop a deep sense of connection to Yiddishkeit, not just on an intellectual level but on a profound, emotional level as well. And you will further deepen the bond between you and them.
Naturally, for many children “quality” time will by necessity include outings or activities that may not have any intrinsic “deeper” value, other than spending meaningful time with their parents. Either way, research shows that good parent-child relationships result in happier and more successful children, both at home and in school. It also means payoffs in adolescence, greatly reducing children’s propensity to experiment with potentially risky behavior, an unfortunate but very real dilemma plaguing our community.
Teachers and Students
The following strategies can go a long way in helping teachers establishing healthy, meaningful relationships with their students.
- Get to know them – Start with a short phone call to the student’s home before the year begins. This will convey a powerful message to the student (as well as to his parents) that you are eager to really get to know the child and are excited to have him in your class. The student will be put at ease for the first day of school and likely experience more immediate success.
- Make lots of early deposits – If you wish to be able to demand effort from your students and offer criticism where appropriate, it is imperative for students to know you are motivated by a strong desire to help them. Invest early in the relationship so that you will have something to withdraw from as needed. As the leadership expert John C. Maxwell has famously said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
- Monitor their progress – Take time to talk privately with each student once the year begins. Find out about their successes as well as their challenges. Ask how you can be of assistance in making their year a success and let them know that you are always available to talk.
With Hashem and Each Other
Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch explains that to love Hashem (Devarim 6:5) is to focus all of our goals and energies towards serving Him. He notes that the Hebrew word for ‘love’, ahavah, comes from hav, a word that means either to give or to bring.
