Conversely, it is a poor life decision and a lack of faith in Hashem to put off getting married until one feels completely financially secure. This is reminiscent of one in the desert who would gather extra man every day because he feared he would find nothing the next day. It is the height of hedonism – and the epitome of un-Jewish values – for one to put off getting married because he is enjoying the single life (see Bereishis Rabba 17:2 and the very beginning of Shulchan Aruch Even Ha’ezer). There are enough difficulties and impediments to getting married without our creating excuses to push it off.
The correct approach is in fact quite intuitive: the proper age for a person to get married is when he is emotionally, intellectually, materially, and spiritually prepared for it. As with all aspects of maturation, the exact age varies from person to person, and therefore “readiness” to get married must be determined on an individual basis.
If one is not yet ready to get married by his late teens and early twenties, he should be actively engaged in the personal development and material preparation to become ready. This is not something to be taken lightly.
2. Singles should not begin dating until they are ready to get married.
It has become mainstream in many circles for young men to learn in yeshiva full-time until an advanced age (insert magic number here) before devoting any attention to getting married. The thinking is that until they are “ready to get married” it is inappropriate and otherwise unwise for them to be going out on dates.
The shortsightedness of determining a “right” age for everyone to get married has already been discussed. At the same time, the widespread, seemingly sensible advice for singles not to begin dating until they are “ready to get married,” regardless of the age in question, can be foolhardy and literally catastrophic.
Consider: if one’s lease runs out on September 1, does he begin searching for a new home on August 31? If one hopes to start a new job next year, does he wait until then to begin looking? If not, then why are singles advised to wait to begin dating until the moment they are ready to get married?
In a utopian fantasy world, the first person everyone dated would be the right one, and the courtship would be swift and withot uncertainty. In reality, it often takes years to find the right person even after one is fully prepared to get married, and it takes more than three dates to determine that this is in fact the right one to marry. Consequently, those who wait to begin dating until they are ready to march down the aisle waste youthful years because they foolishly delay beginning the search.
Someone who is ready to be married by 25 should have begun dating by 22 or 23 at the very latest, with hopes that by the time he is ready to be married he will already have found the right person. Similarly, someone who is ready to be married by 20 should have begun dating by 17 or 18. To get married, one needs to be ready to get married. To date, one needs to be ready to date. There is a difference.
What if someone begins dating with a two-year head start and finds the right person immediately? How fortunate is that person! All singles should have this problem. If these two people are really right for one another, they will accept having to wait a few months until they get married and deal with any issues in a responsible fashion. In the old shtetl that is so glorified, it was normal for couples to spend a full year preparing themselves for marriage after they’d already decided to get married. Whatever challenges may be involved with waiting are normal challenges, and are not sufficient reason to delay searching for the right person.
