Said Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananiah: “Once, a child got the better of me. I was traveling, and I met with a child at a crossroads. I asked him, ‘Which way to the city?’ He answered, ‘This way is short and long, and this way is long and short.’ I took the ‘short and long’ way. I soon reached the city but found my approach obstructed by gardens and orchards. So I retraced my steps and said to the child, ‘My son, did you not tell me that this is the short way?’ He answered, ‘Did I not tell you that it is also long?’ ” (Talmud, Eruvin 53b)
I often make my way from my home in Passaic, New Jersey, into Brooklyn for work. For the uninitiated, there are two “best route” options for my commute. The first is through Manhattan and covers about 22 miles. The second is through Staten Island and is roughly ten miles longer. Typically, I will take the latter route on my way into the city and the former route on my way home.
The reason for this is primarily financial. Without getting into all the technicalities, it costs me less to take the longer route into Brooklyn and costs less to go back along the shorter route. But there’s also a time consideration. Though my trip through Staten Island is longer, I can often get to my destination in less time than if I went through Manhattan. That’s because I have less traffic to deal with, and can drive uninterrupted at higher speeds. By taking the longer route, I actually arrive in a shorter time frame.
We see this idea reflected in the period in which we currently find ourselves.
Pesach offered many examples, from the protracted duration of slavery (which, according to our sages, was necessary to refine our collective character); to our travel out of Egypt (“…God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines for it was near…lest the people reconsider when they see war and return to Egypt. So God led the people around by way of the desert to the Red Sea”); to the process by which we received the Torah.
Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch writes in Horeb (pp. 84ff) that Pesach represents the physical birth of our nation. For the first time, after centuries of servitude, we were able to begin developing as an independent nation. Shavuos was in effect the spiritual birth of our nation. Only with the acceptance of the Torah could we recognize our true, spiritual essence, fundamentally separating ourselves from all other nations.
Why was it necessary for there to be a seven-week gap between these two “births”?
Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler explains that the Divine revelation and display of power during the Exodus was intended to inspire the Jewish people to the full possibilities of spirituality in this world. Following that experience, however, they were left to the task of achieving such levels on their own, through ongoing effort and commitment.
Each day of the seven-week sefirah period was to build upon the previous, so that by the conclusion of seven complete weeks they would reach a stage in which they could receive the Torah through their own efforts, not as an undeserved heavenly gift. Though each of the processes listed above could have been achieved more expeditiously, the extra time, effort, and development the longer version demanded of them ultimately paid off.
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This “long-short” metaphor can serve as a guide for many areas in our lives. What may appear to be longer – in distance, time, finances, or some other measure – can often be the more efficient and more effective approach of all the available options. Let’s examine a few such examples of this idea.
- Service of God. When it comes to avodas Hashem there are two key elements: intellectual/emotional and action. According to Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of Tanya, avodas Hashem must include a holistic approach to life in which the mind and intellect play the leading role in one’s spiritual pursuits. He argues that first a person must study, comprehend, and meditate upon the quintessential truths of existence, including the intrinsic bond we enjoy with our Creator and our mission in life.
The next step of this approach is to translate this knowledge and comprehension into emotional feelings. When we do that, observance of the Torah’s precepts – which serve as a bridge between man and God – becomes not only possible, but a compelling need.
This certainly is not the most pragmatic approach to Divine service. Many would argue that we should jump right into mitzvah observance as a way of bonding with our Creator and let the intellectual/emotional element work itself out later. Still, the former vantage point suggests that the “long-short” way will develop a deep-seated desire for good and abhorrence for evil. At that point, the war against our inclinations has, for the most part, been won. Every thought, deed, and act of such a person is naturally attuned to his quintessential self and purpose in life.
- Education. Perhaps the most unconventional education-related thought I have ever heard or read from a serious Torah scholar was penned about 150 years ago by Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch. In his essay “Lessons from Jacob and Esau” (Collected Writings, Vol. VII, pp. 323ff), he suggests that a fundamental error in how these two lads were educated resulted in the historical struggle that would ultimately ensue:
Jacob and Esau alike could have been preserved for their Divinely-ordained destiny as descendants of Abraham if their parents would have noticed the difference between them at an early age. They could then have reared and educated both lads for the same goal by following a different approach in each case, taking into account the fact that these two brothers were basically different from one another. Because, unfortunately, an identical approach was followed in the rearing and education of these two boys, even though they were two totally different personalities, Jacob and Esau in manhood developed attitudes toward life that were fundamentally opposed to one another.
According to Rav Hirsch, Yitzchak and Rivkah failed, as parents, to educate each child “in his own way” (Mishlei 22:6). They did not, as we say in modern educational parlance, differentiate their children’s instruction in order to properly identify and work with the differences between their twin sons. Had Yitzchak and Rivka studied Eisav’s nature more intently and asked themselves how even an Eisav, with his own set of skills and desires, could be won over for avodas Hashem, world history may have looked much different.
Ask any educator and he or she will tell you it is much more difficult to customize the educational experience for each learner than it is to fit them all into one neat box. Not only does differentiation demand a deep awareness of each child’s ability, interest in, and readiness for learning, it also forces teachers to remain continually mindful of a student’s growth while also preparing and equipping themselves with ample materials and tasks to properly engage all of their students. For these reasons, so many of our teachers do not engage in true differentiation.
Yet we know we cannot educate each child in his or her way and maximize the learning experience without such efforts. When we do commit to the “long” way, we likelier gain the “short” benefits of increased learning and stronger engagement. As the pasuk in Mishlei continues, our goal should be that “Even when they get older they will not deviate from it.”
- Parent-child relationships. Studies suggest that parents today, particularly fathers, have more face time with their children than their counterparts in decades past. But the studies also find the same technology that allows parents to spend more time at home (what we might call the “short way”) is simultaneously blurring the lines between work and personal life, and distracting parents from the “family time” they so desperately crave.
How can parents avoid becoming fragmented during their at-home hours so as to ensure more “quality” time with their children?
One successful strategy is to set strict professional limits whenever possible. Tell associates or clients how important family is to you and that you will complete the work or respond later. Research show that parents who have the freedom not to be on call from the time the kids come home from school until they are in bed, or at least until all their homework is done, typically experience a calmer and more satisfying home environment.
Of course, true quality time also means spending personalized time with each individual child on a regular basis. That time should also be irrevocable, unless previously discussed and rescheduled. Children should know that, barring any uncontrollable circumstances, they will receive the personal attention they so strongly crave at the time they expect it.
It should also be time well spent. In some instances, this may involve learning b’chavrusa or engaging in some other form of mitzvah-based activity. It can also mean time spent in discussion, whether casual, philosophical, or otherwise. Naturally, for many children “quality” time will by necessity include outings or activities that may not have any intrinsic, “deeper” value other than spending meaningful time with a parent. Such activities may include participating in a recreational activity, going out for dinner, or simply being with each other without outside distractions.
Either way, research shows that good parent-child relationships result in happier and more successful children, both at home and in school. It also means payoffs in adolescence, greatly reducing children’s propensity to experiment with potentially risky behaviors, an unfortunate but all-too-well-known dilemma facing our community.
- Spousal and workplace communication. Perhaps more than ever before, people crave others who will genuinely listen to them. Whether we choose to lay the blame at the feet of busier schedules, the superficial nature of social media interaction, or any other reason, it is critical that we become strong listeners to those around us. We discussed relating to our children above, so I focus here on other important people in our lives – our spouses and coworkers.
Strong listeners better understand others’ opinions and attitudes and are able to take this information into consideration when making decisions. There are other benefits to listening well. One is that it builds trust. Effective listening conveys a sense that the person cares about others –their thoughts, opinions, and concerns.
What can we do to become better listeners? Here are a few strategies to consider.
* See eye to eye. One crucial element of good listening is making strong eye contact. By fixing your eyes on the speaker you will avoid becoming distracted and at the same time show genuine attention. Eye contact is an important element of all face-to-face communication, even if you know the speaker well.
* Use receptive body language. Without saying a word, our bodies communicate much about attitudes and feelings. We need to be aware of this in any conversation we have. If seated, lean slightly forward to communicate attention. Nod or use other gestures or words to signal attention and to encourage the speaker to continue. Visibly put away possible distractors such as your phone. This communicates that there is nothing more important to you right now than this conversation.
* Stop talking and start listening. This is the most basic listening principle and often the hardest to abide by. When somebody else is talking it can be very tempting to jump in with a question or comment. This is particularly true when we seek to sound informed, insightful, or if we start to feel defensive due to the speaker’s criticisms. Be mindful that a pause, even a long one, does not necessarily mean the speaker has finished. Let the speaker continue in his or her own time; sometimes it takes a while to formulate what to say and how to say it. Never interrupt or finish a sentence for someone. Patient listening demonstrates that you respect others, which is the first step in building trust and rapport. Remember: if you desire to be listened to, then give others the courtesy of listening to them first.
I remember listening to a talk on communication. The speaker, whom we’ll call Mr. S., was a well-known life coach and communication expert. Mr. S. recalled his early days on the job as a program coordinator for a large educational organization that required that he meet often with school principals.
Mr. S. met with two principals in short succession. One was gracious and well meaning. He allowed for a lengthy conversation but was continually interrupted by phone calls and other matters. Though they spent an hour together, the meeting felt short and unproductive. In the next school, he had to wait for a while and was given but a few minutes with the principal. The man apologized for his lateness and brevity, but made sure that during their time together Mr. S’s agenda was fully heard and responded to. It goes without saying that Mr. S. felt significantly more validated by the second man, despite the wait and their short time together.
Taking the longer route may at first seem counterintuitive. But when we consider the benefits, chances are we’ll find that what appears to be long is really the shortest and best way forward.
