Now, once again, we have singles events. Weekends! Getaways! Cruises! Sumptuous food! Inspiring lectures! Hundreds of singles! Shadchanim will be present! Chassidishe shechita! Endorsed by gedolim! Only $300 early bird special! Two shidduchim last year! Bring your resume! You might be our next lucky winner!
Most of the organizers surely mean well. They put a tremendous amount of time and effort into these events, and some of them barely break even on costs. Their mesirat nefesh should be recognized and applauded. But when all the niceties are concluded, we must also recognize that these events are helping virtually no one, and only adding to the frustration and hopelessness of everyone else. Now that we recognize the need to do things differently – now that people have the drive to make an effort – let’s do things right. Let’s maximize the chance for success and minimize the potential for pain.
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There are two models for singles events. The first is the “throw singles into a room together and hope some of them get married” model. This generally manifests itself as a shiur or some other formal program followed by refreshments and “mingling.” Everyone knows the program is a charade, a poor cover for the fact that singles are there for one reason only: to find someone to marry. If you manage to find a spouse at the event, you’ve won; if you don’t, you’ve lost. Roughly one percent of people win, everyone else loses, and no one enjoys the experience.
How singles are supposed to find someone to marry is not included with the instructions. After the formal program they meander their way to the refreshments and wonder what to do next. They walk aimlessly around for a while, make halting attempts at conversation with a few total strangers, and pretend to be enjoying themselves. It seems absurd when you think about it, but not enough people have been thinking about it.
Which brings us to the second model. Since even the most outgoing and garrulous people have difficulty making normal conversation with complete strangers in such a pressurized, date-or-bust atmosphere, a new model developed. Rather than hope the singles will interact, we force them to interact. Speed Dating, which is like a game show, is the best example. Yes, it’s worked for some people, but it sure isn’t a solution, and it sure isn’t pleasant for anyone. Another popular example is the “mingling over refreshments” model, but with “hosts” (married people) in attendance to “facilitate.” After the mingling, the singles can ask the shadchan to ask someone out on their behalf. That’s what it amounts to, anyway.
Of course, now that a shadchan is in the picture, even this pithy attempt at socializing is often avoided. People who should be introducing themselves to one another stand in line to meet the shadchan instead. The presence of a shadchan provides an escape option, a shaliach to spare the unpleasant potentialities of introducing yourself to someone new. The fact that this only substitutes different unpleasant potentialities seems to be lost on people. After all, the short-term gain of passing a difficult task onto a third party is hard to resist. People will even invent excuses (“It’s more tzniusdik this way”… “This is how frum Jews have always met,” etc.) to mask their diffidence. The presence of a shadchan at an event prevents natural meetings that would otherwise occur.
So we have two models: hope the singles meet, and force them to meet. One provides more autonomy to the singles, but the atmosphere is awkward and highly pressurized, with no actual meetings guaranteed. The other guarantees a minimum number of meetings, but is really nothing more than glorified shadchanut, with all its many faults and unnecessary complications.
