Oralee reminisces how in the beginning she thought all the rules were so nit-picky. Yet, she was amazed that those very rules made Shabbos different and special. She decided to “borrow the idea” for her own Sunday. Now Oralee reserves her Sunday Sabbath for religious services, reading spiritual books, connecting with family and friends and taking a nap. She does not use her computer, shop, clean, garden or do daily work or errands. “With my own set boundaries, my Sabbath is different now from every other day of the week. Those rabbis knew what they were talking about.”
Aliza mentions, “There is a deep prejudice against non-Jews in the Orthodox world. It is hard for my kids to reconcile that their beloved grandmother is the fearful Christian they have been warned against.” Her grandchildren all needed to go through a phase to assimilate the idea.
In our previous feature, Aliza mentioned that as a convert she has a different viewpoint on things than a born-Jew does, whether he or she is religious or not. She will never have the history or the culture that a Jew carries in his or her heart and head (it encompasses everything from the Holocaust and the Inquisition to chicken soup recipes and Jewish-mother jokes).
Converts, however, make fewer demands on their parents. There isn’t a secret hope that they will become frum, or a need to demand compliance that BTs have or feel towards their non-religious parents. Converts can ask their non-Jewish parent to turn on the lights or take pictures on Shabbos (within certain halachic parameters), which can make things easier for them, but a BT’s parents need to tow the line if they are visiting. For BTs who live in Israel far from their American parents, for example, have to explain that they can’t call them on the second day of Yom Tov, even though neither one is celebrating the chag. On the other hand, there are halachic options for a BT when it comes to non-religious relatives and non-mevushal wine, while a convert would be hard-pressed to find.
Since most BTs’ parents feel threatened, they tend to criticize their children’s need to be involved with rabbanim. At times parents may feel that these religious leaders have usurped their authority. Oralee, however, doesn’t understand the issue. “You go to a doctor for medical advice, why wouldn’t you to a rabbi for religious advice? It is not possible for someone to know all the answers by themselves.”
Accommodating seems to be the keyword. In 2014, Oralee realized her Jewish family could not attend her second wedding if she would be remarried in her church. She wanted her granddaughters to be her bridesmaids. So the wedding was held outside in the refurbished garden, her rabbi grandson-in-law said a blessing, and her grandson and great-grandson were the ring bearers. She was so happy they could all be part of her special day.
Oralee has seen Aliza’s friends accept her as well. Once on their summer trips to the Catskills, the Bulows went away for Shabbos, leaving Oralee alone for some “quiet time.” As the Friday night meal began in all the homes, the next-door neighbor’s little girls knocked on the door dressed in beautiful Shabbos dresses and carrying hot food. “I realized not only that Shabbos can’t be made with leftovers, I also felt also accepted and cared for.”
Aliza knows her mother wants her grandchildren to be able to stay with her and she has provided a kosher kitchen for them when they come; Oralee knows the halachos. “Sometimes the kids want to take advantage of me on Shabbos and ask me to turn on lights and such, but I tell them I can only turn something on if I need it.”
“I can understand how non-religious parents feel threatened,” Oralee remarks. “If I had a child who wanted to become Catholic, for instance, it might be hard for me. Yet, there is such beauty in Orthodoxy, I feel my life has been incredibly enriched. Being a good parent means constantly opening your comfort zone to embrace all your children. It is so much more important than being right.”
