And then she added a very personal note, comparing her situation to Rachel’s: “I felt sad that I did not feel as connected or as proud of the privileged background I grew up in, taking my FFB status as a given. My Torah observance had become rote…I was a frum Jew by chance, not choice. It suddenly hit me that what I had taken for granted…was to be cherished and appreciated. Every mitzvah, every action, every tefillah, every moment that I was a frum Jew was a gift! What Rachel worked so hard and so many years to discover and attain, I was afforded from birth! I was privileged!”
Though The Butterfly Project includes Rachel’s performance, the groups are also extremely interactive. “All of the programs involve learning, but I also deal with the ‘disconnect’ in the girls. They’re aware of the contradictions in their lives and admit that that their actions don’t reflect their belief system.
“And that’s where another part of the Project comes in – effective and empathetic listening. Part of our format consists of peer-led groups of six-eight girls. They meet on a regular basis to talk about their thoughts, feelings and challenges with tznius. These groups enable them to become aware of what’s going on inside themselves, what’s causing the discrepancy between their beliefs and their actions.
“Each girl gets a period of time – usually five minutes – to speak uninterruptedly about her thoughts, feelings and experiences having to do with tznius. The other girls listen with empathy and caring. There’s no judging, just sincere listening.”
I ask Rachel if the girls are honest about their issues, or self-conscious, embarrassed or defensive.
“It takes time for them to be comfortable, but in the end, they’re all very honest about how they feel,” Rachel responds. “Almost all of them want to do what’s right – even while they know that they sometimes don’t. They know tznius is an important mitzvah, with tremendous power and benefit for them.
“Speaking about their thoughts and feelings,” she continued, “enables them to clarify their issues and process what’s often on an unconscious level, to become self-aware, and, when necessary, to heal. Then they are able to make healthy, intelligent decisions.”
When I asked Rachel to share an example, she said: “When we talk about why they’re not living according to what they believe, different things come out. Sometimes it’s just a matter of not thinking enough, or just going along with the crowd without even realizing that what they’re doing isn’t right. Also, if along the way the girls have felt judged and looked down upon, or worse, then it’s hard for them to do what those ‘judges’ say, even if they know in their heads that they’re right.”
And then she adds: “An awareness that often comes up is that their self-image or sense of self-worth isn’t good enough to enable them to go against the stream. If that’s the problem, it’s very tempting to dress in the way that’s most fashionable because it gives them a temporarily good feeling to think that they’re admired and popular.”
An eleventh grader in Brooklyn who is an ongoing member of The Butterfly Project described the group that she is part of. “Everyone has an opportunity to be honest with herself and think things through. Rachel teaches us to figure things out by ourselves and come up with our own solutions, because that’s what makes us stronger. It also makes us realize how special each of us is, and how we all have nisyanos and the ability to overcome them!”
An eighteen-year-old girl in a one-year seminary program in Yerushalayim said: “Almost everyone in Klal Yisrael is struggling with tznius in one way of another. For some it’s outward, like clothes, and for others it’s inward like understanding the importance of tznius and its relevance, why it’s not only something we have to do or we should do, but also, that it’s good for us. It’s really for us, not against us!”
