I asked her how it felt, exposing her innermost feelings and thoughts. “It’s great,” she said. “We become like sisters. We learn things about each other, and that helps us to deal with our own challenges. It helps us get clarity on the whole issue so that our inner self and our outer self will be in sync. A person should be tzniusdik because she really believes in it. And then she’ll even enjoy being tzniusdik!”
I went back to Mrs. Factor and asked if she has any suggestions for parents and educators. “It’s not a simple situation,” she responded, “because the schools must continue to enforce the proper standards. But one thing I can say is that it’s important to know how to relate to the girls, to be very sensitive to their feelings and especially to all the goodness in them. There might be a problem with tznius, but there are many wonderful aspects to the girls. Most of them are very kind and caring. It’s important for us to appreciate all the goodness in them, rather than just relate to what’s wrong.”
When asked if she ever tells the women or girls how she thinks they should or shouldn’t look or dress, her response was, as always, deep and well thought out. “I am not at all promoting a ‘look’ or dress code as being ‘the correct tzanua look,'” she said. “I don’t even know what that might be. I’m in a process, as we all are. As far as I can see, at this point there may not be ‘a correct look’, and if there were, that, too, could just become another fashion statement, or worse – a vehicle for sinas chinam.
“There is only the next rung on the ladder, and if we are scaling the heights, one rung at a time, then we are doing great! Only we know if we are going up or down, each of us in her own heart and mind. My project gives room for self-reflection. I believe that is the key for each of us – not looking outside, but instead, looking inside. Isn’t that a major part of what life is about?”
Educators who are familiar with The Butterfly Project are extremely appreciative of what is being accomplished. Mrs. Devorah Yudkowsky, former Executive Coordinator of Torah Umesorah, and now Menaheles of Machon Bais Yaakov in Brooklyn, N.Y., said that Mrs. Factor ” . . . is thought provoking [but] she is never preachy.” She added that while “Rachel’s unique ability and creative way in exposing the external, secular world is very compelling…[it] allows for everyone…to grow at their own pace.” And she added that the “use of peer groups gives the participants valuable skills in self awareness, consideration for others and avodas HaShem. . . Rachel has the ability,” she said, “to actualize her goals and, with siyatta d’Shmaya, makes things happen.”
There’s a second part to the project in which each girl has a partner – her “tznius buddy” and throughout the week they can check in with each other for breakthroughs, challenges and whatever else comes up. They know that their conversations are free of judgment or expectations so they can have a truly beneficial dialogue.
As I think of all I heard and learned, it occurs to me that so many of us, including those who are tzniusdik, are not very different from the girls Mrs. Factor works with. We are adults who smoke, overeat, yell, complain, speak loshon hara, and many other things that the Torah tells us not to do. No, it’s not always easy to live according to our knowledge and beliefs.
