A Conversation with Rabbi Paysach Krohn, renowned author and lecturer, and Rabbi Eliezer Krohn, rabbinic counselor for PUAH
As Tisha B’Av approached this year, I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggled with a sense of hopelessness – a feeling of, “Will this ever end?”
After everything that’s happened?
After October 7th? After the missiles, the war, the frightening resurgence of global anti-Semitism?
Weren’t we all so certain, witnessing our incredibly powerful achdus in the weeks following Simchas Torah, that this was it – that the Geulah was coming?
Yet once again, here we were… sitting on the floor, mourning our state of galus, crying for our tragedies, both new and ancient.
And now, once again, as we’ve done year after thousands of years, we wipe our tears, pick ourselves up, and stride forward. Continuing to fight, continuing to daven, continuing to hope. Nachamu!
In his new book, From Sorrow to Celebration: The Three Weeks, Tisha B’Av and Tu B’Av (Artscroll), Rabbi Paysach Krohn, the Maggid of our generation, zeroes in on this uniquely Jewish ability to find hope and optimism even in our pain.
I recently sat down for a conversation with Rabbi Paysach and his son Rabbi Eliezer, who, as rabbinic counselor for PUAH, sees this resilience every day on a very personal level, in the couples whom he guides on their fertility journey. The father-son pair shared their insights, inspiration and, of course, their stories!
Rabbi Krohn, was this sefer written in response to the events of October 7th?
R’ Paysach: Actually, not at all. It was in the making well before Simchas Torah. Following the, baruch Hashem, successful publication of my haggadah, At the Maggid’s Seder, which came out at the very beginning of Covid, Artscroll suggested I continue writing seasonal sefarim, with a mix of stories and inspiration. My next book was about Elul and the Yamim Noraim, and after that, we decided to write about the Three Weeks.
However, I didn’t want to only write sad material, so I decided to expand it by including Shabbos Nachamu and Tu B’Av. I also have a section about the Gedolim whose yahrzeits fall out during the Three Weeks. This book has turned out to be the biggest I’ve ever written!
This has been a year filled with tragedy and a frightening rise in global antisemitism, but also a year of many miracles. After everything that’s happened, there’s been a strong sense that the final Geulah must be about to come. b’ezras Hashem, it will soon. Yet, here it is, about to be Tisha B’Av once again. How do we deal with that sense of disappointment?
R’ Paysach: The hallmark of a Yid – our special koach – is that we believe in the future. Sometimes that future won’t happen for a long time, but we believe that ultimately, the good will come.
There’s an unbelievable story in my book about Rebbetzin Roiza Tauber, the mother of Rav Ezriel Tauber, noted speaker and writer and dean of the Shalheves Seminars. In the early 1940s, knowing the Nazis were about to invade their country of Czechoslovakia, they went into hiding. Now, here’s the amazing thing: during their four years in hiding, from 1940-1944, Rebbeztin Tauber gave birth to four babies! Her friends and relatives all thought she was crazy; why would a Jew want to bring more children into such a world when the chances were all but certain that they’d be killed?
In fact, in 1944, Rebbetzin Tauber was caught and deported to Auschwitz. Because she was expecting, Mengele, ym”sh, decided to keep her alive for medical “experimentation.” Her baby was killed as soon as she was born; as Rebbetzin Tauber would say later, that little daughter had the zechus to save her mother’s life. Hearing that mothers after birth were sent to the gas chambers, Rebbetzin Tauber escaped from the hospital two days postpartum and miraculously survived. Her husband and four little sons survived as well.
While, like many survivors, she didn’t want to speak about her war experiences, when she was very elderly her son Rav Ezriel asked her how she could have brought children into the world during this terrible time. Did she really think they would survive?
She answered firmly, “We are Yidden! We don’t lose children! Don’t you know about techiyas hameisim? We bring children into the world not merely for this world but for the future world. Every Jewish child is an eternity! Every neshama is forever!”
So when we look at the events that have happened this year, the main thing we need to hold on to is our emunah and bitachon. That a Yid can never give up.
That’s the message of Shabbos Nachamu and Tu B’Av coming directly after Tisha B’Av.
R’ Paysach: Absolutely. Listen to this beautiful story that happened to Rav Moshe Shapiro. The year was 1946 and he had recently gotten engaged. One day, he was walking with his kallah in a park in Yerushalayim, in back of the Reich Hotel, when they encountered an older man with a beautiful, warm smile. The man came over to the chassan and kallah and said, “Be happy, kinderlach! You are the mashal for how Hashem will be happy! Yasis alayich Elokayich – Hashem will rejoice over us, His nation, like a chassan rejoices over his kallah.”
After he walked away, Rav Moshe said to his kallah, “Do you know who that man was? He’s the Ponovezher Rav. He lost everything in the Holocaust. Yet he came to Eretz Yisrael to rebuild, and here he is, on a mission to spread happiness in the world.”
Imagine! The Ponovezher Rav, who had every reason to give up, instead looked around him and saw hope. He saw a chassan and kallah and found there a mashal for Hashem’s love for His people!
Rav Eliezer, I’m sure you find a similar emotion with couples experiencing infertility. With every treatment their hopes are raised, maybe this time we’ll finally see our personal geulah, only to be disappointed. How do you help them deal with this disappointment while still retaining optimism for the future?
R’ Eliezer: As a PUAH counselor, I deal with all sorts of cases. There are the couples who call with a straightforward issue, I guide them to the right doctor and the right solution, and, Baruch Hashem, they call a few months later to share the good news that they’re expecting.
But then there are the other cases. The couples struggling with a really tough situation who try again and again, only to experience one disappointment after another. Rav Chaim Soloveichik says that where hishtadlus ends, that’s where bitachon begins. It can be hard to know where to draw that line, but it’s essential that we have both elements. I help couples make the right medical decision for their particular situation. I’ll say, “Listen, Hashem can do anything. He can make you have a child with this procedure or without it. But in my opinion, this is the proper thing to do.”
Even when they experience setbacks and failures, they need to know that they made the best decisions they could, following the best medical guidance, and that we’re davening for their success. That’s all that any of us can do; Hashem does the rest.
Whatever the area we may be struggling in – whether fertility, shidduchim, parnassah, shalom bayis – we have to understand that, while we need to put in a certain amount of hishtadlus, after that it’s our job to sit back and realize that it’s all up to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Never stop davening, never stop hoping, because nothing’s impossible when it comes to a Yid. Particularly in my work, I’ve seen it time and again. A couple experiences another failed cycle, and another, and the next thing you know, she’s pregnant.
Rabbi Paysach: Rav Eliezer, who is also a mohel, has done many brises for babies who were born thanks to PUAH’s counseling. How incredible is that! This is the epitome of the theme “From Sorrow to Celebration.”
What about the times when there really does seem to be no hope? What do you say to a couple if they reach the end of the line and have run out of options?
Those cases are very tough. I’ve had many people cry to me over the phone and it breaks my heart. Unfortunately, there is pain in life and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it.
The biggest gift I can give couples in this situation – and that we can give ourselves, if we find ourselves in such a circumstance, whatever our challenge may be – is to allow them to feel the pain, to understand that it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to cry, and that we can continue on in life with the pain.
I’m there to listen, to cry with them, and also to alleviate any potential guilt by validating that they made the best decisions they could and put in their best effort.
Can you leave us with one final thought to focus on as we emerge from Tisha B’Av into the Shiva d’Nechemta, the weeks of consolation? What is something that we can we do to bring Geulah?
Rav Paysach: Rav Schwab writes an astounding idea in his sefer, Rav Schwab on Prayer, which I quote in my book. Every day, we ask Hashem to bring Moshiach with the words “Es tzemach David… tatzmiach” – may You cause the offspring of Your servant David to flourish. Chazal explain why the Geulah is compared to the flowering process – because a plant doesn’t grow overnight. It’s a long, slow process. And, Rav Schwab adds, a plant doesn’t grow on its own; it needs water.
Where’s the water for Moshiach? Our tears.
How sad is that? Think about it. How many people, when they daven, cry because they want Moshiach? We cry for parnassah, we cry for shidduchim, we cry to have children, we cry that we should raise our children properly… but who cries about Moshiach?
Cry for Moshiach! That’s how we water the plant! What an insight… and what a responsibility.
