Dear Mr. Prager,
I deeply appreciate your insightful exploration of the changing dynamics in parent-child relationships and the emerging phenomenon of Estranged Adult Child Syndrome. (“A Pandemic of Cruelty,” July 14). Your adept association between the growing prevalence of therapeutic practices and the potential challenges they present to moral values, particularly the biblical commandment to honor one’s parents, is both compelling and thought-provoking.
As a Torah-observant psychotherapist, I am all too familiar with the heartrending pandemic you describe. Your perspective offers an intriguing angle for considering the intricate balance between therapeutic practices and moral values. While your viewpoint is understandable, my professional encounters and discussions with religious colleagues hint at a somewhat different narrative within the therapeutic landscape.
Indeed, you accurately emphasize that psychotherapy’s roots are steeped in individualism. However, in my capacity as a frum psychotherapist, I can attest to the evolution of the practice, particularly within the Torah community. Much like the spirit of Dylan’s song, “The Times They Are A-Changin,” contemporary psychotherapy has undergone significant changes. Today’s therapy – at least the form that I and my colleagues practice – does not promote individualism at the expense of family harmony. Instead, it functions like a nurturing greenhouse, where personal growth and self-understanding are cultivated not in isolation but in correlation with an individual’s environment, encompassing their familial and communal relationships.
Parent-child conflicts surface regularly within my practice. And as therapists observing Torah values, we hold the commandment to honor one’s father and mother in high esteem. Nevertheless, the depth and complexity of these conflicts often extend beyond a simplistic interpretation of this commandment. They frequently involve layers of emotional distress, past experiences, and personal dynamics that necessitate a careful, nuanced exploration and understanding.
These delicate situations underscore the unique value of therapy, providing a safe and empathetic space for individuals to express their feelings, explore their relationships, and navigate a path that respects their emotional well-being and religious obligations.
With this foundation in place, I want to address your concerns about the potential encouragement of estrangement within the therapeutic process. Notably, the narrative that therapy inherently fosters alienation is largely a misconception. Therapy doesn’t impose a predetermined path. Rather, it illuminates potential routes toward resolution, taking into account the complex dynamics at play in each individual’s life.
Yes, in certain unfortunate instances, these dynamics might lead to estrangement. Still, it is essential to remember that the decision to pursue such a course rests squarely with the individual. Such decisions are never made lightly but emerge from thorough introspection, exploration, and always with the guidance of a competent rav.
In particular, I recall several instances where I stood in the presence of the esteemed Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski while he advised an adult child to estrange themselves from a parent. His rationale, when sought, was enlightening. He emphasized that while these cases lacked evidence of physical or sexual abuse, the presence of emotional abuse was palpable. Even in the absence of physical markers, emotional abuse can cause deep-seated and lasting harm. As Rabbi Dr. Twerski rightly pointed out, no one should be subjected to such abuse.
These complex and nuanced cases underscore the necessity of taking the individual’s full emotional, physical, and spiritual health into consideration when providing therapeutic guidance. The narrative of therapy encouraging estrangement without considering the spiritual and emotional impact oversimplifies the therapeutic process and undermines the individual’s agency in making their own decisions. The balance between respecting individual autonomy and promoting relational harmony is indeed a fine line to walk. Still, it’s a challenge that contemporary therapy is acutely aware of and strives to navigate with care and empathy.
We must never forget: each individual’s experience is unique, and their capacity for resilience varies. Your moving account of your father’s nightly phone call ritual, where he’d leave the receiver on the kitchen table as a buffer against your grandmother’s anger, starkly contrasts with the Talmudic tale of Rav Asi (Kiddushin, 31b). Despite his mother’s unreasonable demands, Rav Asi showcased remarkable patience. These starkly contrasting scenarios underscore the significant variations in emotional resilience, tolerance thresholds, and interpretations of the biblical directive of honoring one’s parents that can occur and evolve over generations.
Simply stated, people are different. We all have varying levels of ego strength; thus, our capacities to handle stressful or difficult situations vary. This divergence isn’t a measure of moral superiority but a testament to our individual differences.
Despite your contention that had your father sought a therapist, he would have been encouraged to sever all ties with his mother; I believe the scenario may have unfolded differently. Despite the emotional strain it elicited, his firm commitment to honoring his mother is a testament to his sense of duty and moral responsibility. In the presence of a therapist respectful of Torah values, the therapeutic process could have offered a supportive and empathetic environment to unravel these complex dynamics. At the very least, he would have had a space to share the heartbreak and sadness that undoubtedly accompanied such challenging circumstances.
In sum, our unified aim, whether viewed through a therapeutic or religious lens, remains the same – to heal, empower, and foster connections. Therapy and biblical morality can indeed coexist and intertwine, establishing a comprehensive framework for mental and spiritual wellness.
Your insightful article has not only sparked an essential dialogue about therapy, faith, and familial obligations but has also catalyzed enriching personal conversations. Interestingly, it was my own father who sent me your article, and for that, I express my gratitude. Your piece has provided us with an invaluable opportunity to reflect and discuss these complex dynamics, strengthening our father-son connection.
Thank you once again for your thoughtful insights and contributions.
With deepest respect and warmest regards.
