(please note, the following is not a mockery of Islam per se, just those who are idiots within the “Religion of Peace”)
Ayman,
I just killed at least 12 people at Charlie Hebdo.
Will that finally silence the kuffar?
Paranoid in Paris
Dear Paranoid in Paris,
I’m afraid not.
Ayman
Dear Ayman,
I have a friend who has been having some real troubles lately. He’s told me that it’s just gotten so hard to spread the word of Allah these days and it is really getting to him.
Just a few years ago, blowing up a restaurant or beheading a few people really got the word out. You could make a name for yourself and serve Allah with just a few Internet videos. But everybody’s doing it these days. I posted something I thought was really crazy online and I got like 15 views and 3 likes (don’t you wish Facebook had a Fear button?). Sure you scare the locals, but this Internet thing is supposed to be global, right?
Shape
Anyway, how are the infidels supposed to learn about Allah if they aren’t listening? I tried blowing up a school, a few mass executions, even enslaving captured women. It was all fun, but after the first time, the magic was gone. Nobody really cares the second time around. Now I know how NASA felt after the first moon landing.
If it isn’t working, does Allah still want me killing children?
Thank you for your help,
Frustrated in Fallujah
Dear Frustrated in Fallujah,
As you know, jihad comes from within. Try a live YouTube dissection.
Remember, keep your victims’ chins up,
Ayman
p.s. I’ll ask Facebook about the button.
Dear Ayman,
I’m just wondering… after we bring the world to Allah how are we going to pay our bills? I mean Mohammed had Mesopotamia to loot, but after him, things kind of settled down. If we plan to be on all Mohammed mode all the time, what are we going to do. Once we conquer the world and ban Western education, who’s going to buy our oil? And what will happen to industry and the economy? And how are we going to replace the half of the population we’ll be locking up in their proper place?
Don’t get me wrong, things are great now. We’re bringing in lots of outside revenue from kidnappings, piracy, looting, oil sales and things like that… I have guns and a nice phone. But once there is no more outside world, who are we going to live off of?
Concerned,
Restless in Raqaa
Dear Restless in Raqaa,
Industry, economy, education, phones – all of these things are kuffar. They are not for the True Muslim to be involved with. Put them out of your mind and understand that Allah will provide. If we are poor, desperate, hungry and bored then that will be just more opportunity to demonstrate our devotion to Allah and reap our rewards in heaven. Of course, with Allah’s help, the Jews might invent robots that can provide for all our needs before we exterminate them.
Keep up the good work,
Ayman
Dear Ayman,
The other day I captured an enemy of True Islam. We got to talking, before I beheaded him. He was a nice guy and he seemed to truly believe in his corruption. How do I know I’m right and he’s wrong?
Konfused in Kobani
Shape
Dear Konfused in Kobani,
Because I told you so.
Next time: less talky talky and more choppy choppy.
Ayman
Dear Ayman,
I beheaded a kuffar a few weeks ago. I posted it on YouTube and I added some music, for effect. I put in, Somebody’s Gotta Die from Notorious BIG. I thought it would give a little extra punch to the killing. But my commander told me it was forbidden. I only used it to add punch to Allah’s message. Who is right? Should I stay away from music or is it halal to use it to honor Allah?
Perturbed in Peshawar
Dear Perturbed in Peshawar,
The lyrics you used include the line:
Fillin’ clips, he explained our situation Precisely, so we know exactly what we facin’
I want to thank you for explaining your situation so precisely. Unfortunately, your commander is right. The music is Haram. And as the chorus says, “Somebody gotta die.” That somebody is you.
Thank you for your service,
Ayman