HARAN, Mesopotamia (Reuters) – Excitement swept through the Fertile Crescent earlier today after it was reported that Noah, the man who played such a central role in the epic flood, would finally be appearing before the Genesis 7:11 Commission.
The Commission, which is investigating why it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, has been seeking Noah’s testimony for many months. However, Noah’s attorneys had been refusing to allow Noah to testify due to a pending criminal investigation of allegedly illegal ark dumping.
A major breakthrough came earlier this week when the Anatolian District Attorney’s Office dropped all criminal charges in return for Noah’s agreement to pay for the removal of his ark from Mount Ararat and to repair the damage caused by the ark to a mountaintop casino run by local native tribes.
Noah, who at one time was hailed as the most righteous man in his generation and the savior of mankind, is expected to face many tough questions when he appears before theCommission. Noah will have to contend with the emerging evidence that an extremely high level source whose name remains a mystery had given Noah advance warning that “flood waters would be brought upon the earth” and that “life would perish.”
Noah will also be grilled about his unilateral decision to build the ark; the allegedly unsanitary conditions on the ark; whether he could have prevented the flood by preemptively bringing forth a rainbow; and his alleged ties to the powerful gopher-wood industry.
Many are eager to see whether Noah will be able to repair the damage caused by the recent disclosure of stunning allegations made by his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth in connection with their bitter lawsuit with Noah over ownership of the family vineyards and shipbuilding interests.
In papers submitted to the court, Shem, Ham and Japheth have portrayed Noah as a man with a messiah complex who suffered from alcoholism and engaged in bizarre cultic sacrificial rites and dove abuse. Noah’s name may well sink into oblivion if he is not able to effectively respond to these allegations.
Some critics claim that Noah is appearing before the Commission solely to boost sales of his newly released book, “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.” However, late yesterday Noah’s publicist issued a statement in which Noah emphatically denied any connection between the two events.
In any event, Noah, has been flooded with requests by the media and he will be making the rounds of the major network and cable talk shows later this week. He is expected to discuss his latest real estate venture, which involves the construction of a major skyscraper in Babel.
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