Later, due to Barak’s disastrous policies as prime minister and his attempt to hand over Jerusalem to the PLO savages, a new song seemed called for. Barak had just been creamed in a landslide electoral defeat by Ariel Sharon. The new piece was to the tune of Harry Belafonte’s “Banana Boat Song.” It went:
EH HOOD, day EH EH HOOD
Ehud’s done and we wan him go home
EH, he say EH, he say EH, he say EH,
he say EH, he say EH-ay-ay-HOOD
Ehud’s done and we wan him go home
They shoots all night from ole Ramallah
(Ehud’s done and we wan him go home)
As all night he wave white bandana
(Ehud’s done and we wan him go home)
Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally me election
Ehud’s done and we wan him go home
Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally the rejection
Ehud’s done and we wan him go home
My proposed campaign song for Reb Ehud is based on the wonderful “If I Were a Rich Man” from “Fiddler on the Roof.” (Unfortunately Tevye is not running for prime minister.)
Ready? Here goes!
Dear God, you made so many, many cowardly people.
I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be a coward.
But it’s no great honor, either!
So, what would have been so terrible if
I had a small dose of gumption?
(music)
If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.
I’d have a big tall house with virgins by the dozen,
Right in the midst of Gaza town.
A fine tin roof with real al-Kassams below.
There would be one long rocket just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.
I’d fill my yard with chicks and turkeys
and other Labor chiefs,
For all the town to see and hear.
And each loud “cheep” and “squawk”
and “honk” and “quack”
Would ring like a Kassam in my ear,
As if to say “Here lives a Tanzim man.”
If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.
The most important men in town
would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to be appeased by them,
Like Shimon Peres the Kind.
“If you please, Reb Ehud…”
“Pardon me, Reb Ehud…”
Posing problems that would cross a Tanzim’s mind!
And it won’t make one bit of difference
if I answer war or peace.
When you’re me, they think you really know!
If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.
Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a ter-ror-ist MAN!!!
(Curtain closes)
Steven Plaut, a frequent contributor to The Jewish Press, is a professor at Haifa University. His book “The Scout” is available at Amazon.com. He can be contacted at [email protected].