Shabbat Chol Hamoed Pesach was a davening challenge I never experienced before, one I didn’t think I would be able to overcome. Authoring two books on the topic, and delivering endless lectures on davening, it wasn’t the “challenge” of what to say/not to say on these special days on which Pesach fall, but rather precisely what I knew I was obligated to say- HALLEL, the thanksgiving prayer for the Holiday in general, and perhaps its miracles in particular.
How can I stand before G-d and seriously state “Thank G-d as he is good, for forever is his kindness” when [no less then] three of my dear neighbors, with whom I shared the joy of the former “Shabbat Chol Hamoed” [of Sukkot] together [with many other times of joy and more] were shot dead [two murdered at the scene, one succumbing to her fatal injuries days later] by antisemitic “beasts in the costume of human beings” [as late PM Menachem Begin used to say] at point blank? How was I to state “This is the day that G-d made, let us be happy and joyous on it” when three precious lights of our community has been blown out due to hatred of everything the Jews of Israel stand for?
Again and again, through the Pesukei Dezimra and subsequent Shacharit, the famous words dictating [one of the two] reason why only a half-Hallel is said on most of Pesach [Mishna Berura 490/7] reverberated in my head: “Ma’a’sei Ya’dai Tovin Bayam Veatem Omrim Shira Lefanai”/My Creations [to our dismay-indeed plural] have drown and you sing a song before me”?! Three wonderful and precious creations, G-d fearing Jews, amazing people and proud citizens of Israel have been “drown” and we just go on..signing?
The great Sefer Hamanhig [pp 490, d”h Venifleti] was surprised to see certain communities dip their Matza in Charoset at the Seder, as Matza is the HAPPY symbol of Freedom, while the Charoset recalls the SAD mortar and blood of our servitude. Needless to say, for the Dee family and Jews around the world, indeed our Matza of Pesach 5783 was saturated in blood!
The prohibition of “he who speaks untruth shall not stand before my eyes” [Tehillin 101/7] stood before me as we got closer to this part of the service. As I don’t base my religious belief and practice on answers to my existential questions [assuming there is one, though my very limited mind didn’t find it yet], I said the blessing on Hallel, surrendering to Jewish Law, yet my heart was not in it, deciding that I would not sing along. As saying it gives extra time in comparison to singing it, I had a chance to look more closely at its words which I’ve said thousands of times, and perhaps didn’t notice as much.
Amazingly, like the image of the Manhig above, it hit me: the very same Hallel which thanks G-d in the first verse quoted above, only seconds later states; “From the Dire Straits I call out to you G-d, answer me in wide abundance“! Just 1 second after saying the second verse above, we cry: “Please G-d, SAVE ME!”
In a word, it was precisely the Hallel which is a story of Matza dipped in blood!
Perhaps our sages knew, only too well, that till the time of the final redemption, the “small redemptions” on the way would be incomplete, would indeed be a story of many Matzot of freedoms, yet with profound sadness of blood, mourning and more, and thus picked these precise words.
Thus, we didn’t open the doors for Eliyahu [the precursor to Mashiach & the final redemption] at our seders with the words “Baruch Haba/Welcome Mashiach” but rather “Pour your Wrath on the Nations that don’t know your name…as they [continue to] consume the children of Ya’akov and laid waste his habitation” ending with [no less than a quote from] Lamentations 3/66 “You shall pursue them with anger and eradicate them from under the skies of the Lord“. We didn’t begin our festive meal at the Seder with the meat and kneidlach, but rather with an egg dipped in salt to recall that Tisha Bav is still our legacy [so far] as a day of mourning and fasting and not [yet] feasting.
Perhaps it was precisely these chapters of psalms picked as our Hallel as they INSURE that we NEVER FORGET the full picture- all that we must THANK G-d for, as well as all that we have to still work and yearn for, all the amazing gifts the Jews have in 2023, yet all that is still lacking, and most recently, missing.
In a word [Tractate Berachot 9/4], we “Thank you for the Past, and Plead for the Future”.
Indeed, on subsequent days, I not only said the Hallel but joined in the singing: it was precisely its words that insured that I NEVER FORGET nor the wonderful gifts we do have, as well as the THREE PRECIOUS LIGHTS of our community we have viciously lost.
On the final day of Pesach, bereaved father and husband [at the very same time], Rabbi Leo Dee [may G-d grant him many more years in much health and happiness] came to shul right on time in order to not miss the first Kaddish for his partially empty home he just came from. When Hallel commenced, the Chazzan, sensetive as can be, said the first few lines of Hallel without singing it, thinking it was inappropriate when he was part of the minyan. Sensing this right way, my amazing neighbor walked up to the Chazzan, put his arm around him, whispered something in his ear, which led the Chazzan to begin singing with feeling. After davening, the words he said became public: “Please-Make it Joyous”!!
Indeed, they “have drown”, all too early in life, and yet was say this particular “SONG” before G-d, singing part of it with joy for all we have, and remembering Lucy, Maya and Rina hy”d in its other parts, insuring we never forget: we never forget all we do have, and never forget them.
