Two tables away, Yaakov and Rachel were comfortably enjoying dinner and each other’s company as they found out more about one another. They got a good laugh by observing that some other couples there were clearly on a date, and clearly not enjoying themselves. Yaakov and Rachel felt sorry for them. Maybe they were right for one another and maybe not – only time would tell – but finding that out didn’t have to be unpleasant and filled with artificial obstacles.
* * *
Same people, same setting – yet an entirely different experience.
Those who are fundamentally opposed to “natural meetings” would do well to consider that natural meetings are in reality not so dissimilar to “shidduch dates.” What is a shidduch date, after all, if not two people meeting for the first time, going somewhere together, and getting to know a little bit about one another? Maybe they will get married, and maybe they will not.
Natural meetings are very much the same thing, only without pretentious third parties, intrusive and far-reaching “research,” artificial expectations, and a pressure-filled personal encounter. Whether or not they get married will still be determined only by getting to know important things about one another and developing a genuine relationship – but the process will be more palatable.
Indeed, it is much more palatable because the initial meeting – be it a car ride, a meal, or an encounter at a summer camp – occurred without being labeled a “date” and without all the pressure and anxiety associated with dating. It is unreasonable for two total strangers to be thrust into such a pressurized and anxious setting and expected to become comfortable with one another. It is, however, perfectly reasonable for two strangers who meet in the normal course of life to become comfortable with one another – and then to begin dating.
Consequently, those who scorn natural meetings on religious grounds need to explain why it is objectionable for a single man and a single woman to meet for the first time only if this initial meeting is referred to as a “natural meeting” and not as a “date.” After all, what happens during and beyond this initial meeting is essentially the same. The first date after a natural meeting is roughly equivalent to the second date after an initial set-up. Only the terminology and the looming presence of a matchmaker are different.
Those who claim that natural meetings would lead to a greater incidence of inappropriate matches need to reconcile the fact that “shidduch dates” turn out to be “not shayach” the overwhelming majority of the time. All the tangential pre-date questions and intense investigations haven’t led to any positive breakthroughs. Just the opposite, in fact.
Those who claim that natural meetings are largely facilitated by physical attraction need to explain how this is significantly different with “shidduch dates.” I do not believe many people marry someone they find physically unattractive. Further, when people are set up on blind dates with someone they find physically unattractive, they experience an immediate letdown upon seeing this person for the first time, and almost never overcome this. Attraction grows over time in any healthy relationship, but unattractive people do not magically become pretty people after a few dates, nor will anyone be duped into pursuing someone they find unattractive simply because they were compelled to a go through with a date.
Women complain that men are preoccupied with looks. I must ask these women the following questions: Why do you go to great trouble and expense to beautify yourselves before dates and events if you do not wish for men to be attracted by your appearance (which in and of itself is not a bad thing)? More important, would you turn down a date with someone I have in mind for you who is absolutely perfect for you, yet is not four inches taller than you? What if he is a couple of inches shorter than you? How about if he is losing his hair?