A friend shared a story with me about her preteen son. “My son showed me a video, saying, ‘Mom, look how funny this is!’” She found the video somewhat inappropriate and extremely grotesque, and was shocked when she looked at her son’s face only to find that he had no negative reaction whatsoever.
I call this phenomenon the 24/7 circus, with content becoming more extreme by the year. This data stream is molding the minds of a generation and transforming what we all consider to be “normal and appropriate.”
The industry of social media is driven solely by the goal of earning profit by views. They design their products to keep their users engaged as long as possible. They make use of powerful algorithms that most adults do not fully understand. Every time you click, they collect data. They know what you want and what you lack, and are often one step ahead of your thought process – presenting you with tailor-made content that is difficult to look away from.
We are currently experiencing a technological revolution, and we have not yet begun to understand the ramifications. As much as we have all benefited from these new tools, we also have a grave responsibility to use them for good.
Fortunately, we can learn to A-D-A-P-T to the rapid changes in technology, and get on B-O-A-R-D to protect ourselves and our family.
There are several pitfalls of social media found in the acronym A-D-A-P-T:
A – Anxiety
Anxiety, which goes hand in hand with depression, has skyrocketed among adults and teens in recent years. Interestingly, this surge coincided with the increase in smartphone usage. Experts believe there are a number of factors behind this. Today, every action you take can be recorded or photographed. Once posted, your life could change drastically – for better or for worse. This lack of room for error evokes a need for perfection, which creates pressure that is paralyzing.
Additionally, notifications create a fight-or-flight dopamine response, consistent with prolonged stress.
D – Depression/Destructive Behavior
A whopping 42% of high schoolers feel persistently sad or hopeless, per the 2021 CDC National Youth Risk Behavior Survey. Teens and preteens complain of FOMO (fear of missing out). Loneliness pervades their lives, and leads to deep sadness.
Years ago, whenever I would sign into any social media platform, even for a brief moment, I noticed that I never felt good afterwards. I felt jealous, lonely, or left out. I am a confident, accomplished adult, a professional speaker and the author of two books, and the mother of five children. Yet it was hard for me to process what I had seen from others on their social media posts.
Our children’s brains are not as developed as our adult brains. Most do not have the confidence to help buffer upsetting images and reels.
Depression and anxiety also lead to destructive behaviors, another pitfall of technology. Cutting, burning, stealing, disordered eating, and pornography are trends that are on the rise amongst children. These acts are being idealized and romanticized on social media. One study reported that children’s accounts were being led to suicidal ideation and pro-eating disorder content after mere seconds on TikTok.
A – Addiction
The phone is so addictive that one study found that half of the participants would rather have a broken bone than a broken phone. The average American reportedly checks their smartphone 352 times per day.
You may wonder how this is possible. It is because we bring the phone everywhere – into the car, into bed, even into the bathroom. One in six phones were found to have fecal matter on the surface.
The dopamine loop the phone creates is real. Initially, scientists believed that the dopamine surge we got from the screen registered as pleasure in the brain. Now they are understanding that dopamine actually creates a craving connection as well. You are left wanting more after use, and unable to pull away.
P – Predators/Parent-Child Relationship Breakdown
Sexual predators thrive on social platforms. Jessie Weinberger, tech expert and author of The Boogeyman Exists: And He’s in Your Child’s Back Pocket, shared: “A 7th grade girl came to me after a talk and said, ‘I met this boy on Kik and thought he was my age. Now he has told me he’s 42 years old and he’s going to come and get me because he knows where I live.’”
If you think that you are immune to this and that it will not penetrate your inner circle, think again. There are apps you may have never heard of, like Vault. Vault is a way for children – yes, children – to secretly store their pornography. The icon looks like a calculator, but when you press the right buttons, the secret vault opens.
You may be worried about your children’s consumption of media, but surveys show that our children are just as disappointed in our usage. Children around the globe share feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, and sadness while their desperate attempts to gain their parents’ attention fall on deaf ears.
In a survey I conducted, one student shared, “We were driving, stopped at a red light. The light turned green and I told [my mother], but she ignored me because she was on the phone. So I spoke a little louder, and she got mad at me for being rude.”
T – Texting/Targeted Ads
Anything you can find on social media can be screenshot and sent via text instantly. Even if your children do not have social media accounts, they can certainly receive all of the above content on a text-enabled device.
Targeted ads are sent to you and your family members from the data collected from your clicks. Every move you make online is recorded and monetized for an ultimate profit.
While the above issues are immense, they are not insurmountable. Most of the problems can be broken down into a few key actions to remember. Get on B-O-A-R-D, and keep your family safe today:
B – Boundaries
Just like you would never consider driving without functioning breaks, so too limits give us freedom to move through life safely. Boundaries prevent extreme behavior and help you find balance.
When my son was little, he complained about my rules regarding screen time. One night I asked, “What would you think if I let you watch endless TV with no rules? How would you feel and what would you think?
I was shocked by his thoughtful response. “I would think you do not love me.”
Although it seems counterintuitive, psychologist Dr. David Pelcovitz explains, “The more a parent sets boundaries and limits, the more the kid loves the parent. I have seen it repeatedly in my practice over the years.”
Jodi Gold from Screen-Smart Parenting recommends keeping bedrooms free of technology, and advises children not to sleep with technology because it disrupts sleep patterns. Her guidelines include limiting weekday usage, and she believes parents should purchase apps themselves for regulation.
O – Oversee Children’s Usage
Most experts agree that when children begin using social media, parents need to oversee that process. You cannot just give them full access and hope they will figure it out for themselves. Digital safety expert Lori Goetz explains that just as we would not let our children wander the space outside of our homes without our supervision, we should not let them wander in cyberspace without our guidance.
Apps such as Qustodia, AURA, Bark, and Norton Family are all reputable companies that can help you monitor your child’s usage.
But remember: “We are the immigrants; our kids are the natives.” Because children can work around many of your security locks, Dr. Leora Orenbuch, clinical child psychologist, suggests utilizing the device together. “Children must learn how to live with devices. It’s like the forbidden fruit – the more you take it away without explaining why, the more they will try to sneak it in and go around whatever boundaries have been put in place,” she says. “It is important to still maintain those boundaries, but simultaneously, ask them to show you some of their texts or posts, or how to play their favorite game. Use it as bonding time to connect and develop a relationship, rather than fighting about it.”
A – Attention/Affection
Social media superficially satisfies a strong need for connection in youth today. When you think about your happiest moment, it probably has to do with connection. That is because connection is the root of all joy. The Hebrew word for happy is sameach. This can be divided into sham moach, meaning your mind is there. And where is that? With your family. If your mind is with your child and not wandering or texting, your child will feel secure and happy.
A middle-schooler shared, “Sometimes I will tell my mom a whole story when we are having a conversation. She’d be on her phone, and then say, ‘Huh?’ and I’d have to repeat it. Sometimes I have to repeat it multiple times.”
If you make yourself available and give your children attention and affection, they will be less inclined to search for it elsewhere.
R – Regulate Yourself
The best way to help your child reduce technology dependence is to model exemplary behavior. If you are constantly scrolling on social media, you cannot possibly expect your family members to keep the boundaries you have set for them. Your child will sense hypocrisy, and resentment may turn into rebellion.
The best way to modify your own behavior is to make a small change. Dr. Pelcovitz shared that he has a weakness for cheesecake. To help himself, he would create friction by double-wrapping the cake in plastic and placing it in the back of his freezer. By the time he got to it, his urge would pass. His craving subsided because it required too much activation energy to open it.
You can create friction when it comes to your phone. Right now, I am in the habit of not turning on the phone until my children leave for school. This way, I ensure that every morning they are all getting an undistracted mom. Others have a family rule of not being on the phone when walking in the door at the end of the day, so as to focus fully on greetings and checking in with one another.
Making a habit of your small acts helps to move the action from challenging to autopilot. When it becomes part of your routine, it is much harder to backslide.
D – Delay
According a New York Times article, many tech executives at Google, Apple, and Yahoo do not allow their children to have a smartphone before age 14, and are not given a data plan before 16. If technology executives ban smartphones for their children, should we not we think twice (or three times) about it?
Many experts urge parents to wait until their children are in 9th grade before giving them a device. There are support groups like Waituntil8th.com and MUST (Moms United to Stall Technology) that offer help and information for struggling parents.
Most psychologists agree that we should treat phones like we treat a drug. You cannot prevent exposure, but you can delay usage and monitor it appropriately.
When you do finally present your child with a device, it is a good idea to give them a contract, talk about the terms, and sign it together. You can establish the rules and explain the consequences for breaking them.
We can all A-D-A-P-T to the rapid changes in technology and get on B-O-A-R-D with how to manage them in our homes and lives. Start with a small pledge.
Together we can create a wave of change.
