There is an obligation to become equal opportunity defenders of Orthodox Jews – not defenders of wrongdoing or missteps but of the way of life that is entirely responsible for meaningful Judaism being alive on these shores.
Much of the fuss emanating from the Feldman article concerns intermarriage, his own as well as the more general question of how we should relate to those who have married out but who to one extent or another want to remain in. The Moderns and certainly the other Orthodox say that it is more than a bit much to ask that a welcome mat be put out inviting those who have violated a severe halachic prohibition and whose behavior is directly harmful to Jewish continuity.
Rabbi Norman Lamm’s response to Feldman was appropriate and strong. However, it became apparent in the Jewish blogosphere that even among Yeshiva University alumni the question of relations with the intermarried is not easily decided. While halacha and hashkafa may require ostracism, there are religious Jewish who behave otherwise.
The point was made by Shmuley Boteach in his defense of Feldman. Boteach is certainly being an opportunist, yet his opportunism provides an opportunity to consider an issue that while quite prevalent in Orthodox life is, in a metaphorical sense, constantly being swept under the communal carpet. The issue Orthodox Jews face on a rather regular basis is how to deal on both a personal and communal level with other Jews who have intermarried but who continue to consider themselves practicing Jews.
Boteach cites the liberal approach of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe who urged that these Jews be treated warmly as Jews and should not be excluded from synagogue life or other religious activities. This seems to be the dominant Chabad approach today, which raises the question once more about the Rebbe’s strong stand on the “Who is a Jew?” issue in Israel. A key aspect of the question of how to relate to Jews who have married out is the perhaps more difficult issue of how to relate to their non-Jewish spouses and other family members who are not Jewish according to halacha.
The problem we face in responding to these questions increases each passing year with the continued growth in the critical mass of such Jews, as well as their family members. Non-halachic Jews are included in all of our demographic surveys and there are no protests from the Orthodox arguing that they should not be. Israel’s Law of Return encompasses such persons. In the former Soviet Union, a substantial majority of those who are regarded as Jews and who are involved in one way or another in Jewish communal activities are persons who are not Jewish according to halacha.
Feeding this phenomenon is a sea change in how a great many of the intermarried look at their marrying out. Likely, a majority have walked entirely out of Jewish life. They do not regard themselves as Jewish and do not consider their children Jewish. They do not listen to our communal messages, care little if at all about Israel, do not join our institutions or organizations and do not contribute to our causes. With very few exceptions, they are lost to the Jewish people.
But there are other intermarried, people like Professor Feldman, who regard themselves as fully Jewish, irrespective of the marital decision that they made, and they want to be connected to Jewish life. Some, in fact, are important contributors to our causes and there are those who are active in our organizations. They do not see why or how their choice of a spouse in a society that is open and promotes tolerance cuts them off from Jewish life.
This attitude affects the way many of the Orthodox view such Jews. Of course, there remains the picture, largely stereotypical, of parents sitting shiva and with contact being cut off with those who sinned by marrying out. Even assuming that this pattern was true in an earlier period, it is rarely the case any more.
Nearly all of the Orthodox are influenced by the American ethos of tolerance, of individuals having the right to choose whom they will marry and how they will live. One illustration is the already common experience of relatives who have intermarried being invited to family simchas. There are intermarried who daven regularly in Orthodox shuls. Others participate in organizations, along with religious Jews.