I will relay just a few stories out of the many stories of this type that show the effects of such misinformation.
One completely normal, down-to-earth single girl – let’s call her Rochel – got a “no” because a relative of the boy spoke to another single girl in the same office (who did not know Rochel at all). Aside from the fact that this relative didn’t take into account that discussing one single girl’s shidduchim with another single girl is not appropriate, the relative did not even bother to ask if the girl was close with Rochel. She wasn’t. The information this single girl gave to the relative was incredibly inaccurate. When the boy’s mother heard it, she said no. Can we blame her? After all, she believed information she got from a relative.
Another wonderful single girl, “Rivka,” got a no from a boy, because the boy called his married friend, whose wife had been in high school with Rivka. Apparently, her thoughts and opinions about Rivka were told to the boy as if she knew her well, presently. It was not even serious or bad things that were relayed – mostly opinions about her personality that didn’t jive with the boy. I then found out from Rivka that she and this friend’s wife had not been in contact at all since high school, 10 years earlier. However, the boy stuck to his best friend’s wife’s account of her personality and would not give it a date to see for himself.
Then there is the wonderful boy who had negative things said about him by someone. I know for a fact that these things were absolute lies. Somehow, they started to spread to a few of his shidduch prospects, who then declined to date him. We never got to the bottom of who spread those lies, but he is now happily married to a wonderful girl who did not hear any of those rumors. Unfortunately, the prospects who said no are still looking for their basherts, hopefully taking things that other people say with a grain of salt.
Another girl I know said no to a boy after a relative told her things about him and his personality. The relative barely knew this boy but felt the need to assure her that he was in no-way-shape-or-form for her. These two people happened to meet at a friend’s house about a year later and completely hit it off; they are now happily married. The relative’s account was completely inaccurate.
I could go on and on with such stories, but I think the point should be clear by now. Whoever you are, you are someone’s neighbor, someone’s friend, someone’s coworker, someone’s boss, someone’s teacher, someone’s husband’s friend’s sister, and you know a girl or guy in shidduchim. Chances are you will be asked about a person whom you do not know very well, or you may be asked to find out about this person just by virtue of the fact that you live in the same city. My plea to you is that instead of jumping on the bandwagon to ask random people, or giving over bits and pieces of secondhand negativity, be open and explain that you don’t know this person! We know you want to help, but most of the time it’s not a help.
Perhaps you’ve met the boy or girl once or twice and got a wonderful impression, and you want to relay the good things you perceived. Great! Positive impressions are always a nice gesture. After all, it can’t ruin a shidduch to say positive things. You can respond that you got a very warm vibe from the single, and, if you know the family, you can certainly say they are wonderful people, but beyond that you do not know. Then advise the inquirer to call references or the persons’s Rav.
