If you see someone from time to time and barely know her but get the impression that she’s quiet and not very friendly, should you tell that to a person who asks about her personality? Absolutely not. You may think you know this person; in reality, you don’t. It could be she’s in a hurry or isn’t the chatty type while on the go. In a different setting, however, or with close friends, she may be outgoing and lots of fun. Saying half-truths or personal perceptions that could be understood as negative about someone you don’t know well could very well play a part in preventing a shidduch from happening at that time.
If there truly are negative things to be said about someone which need to be said in order to prevent harm to a boy or girl, they can come out by asking detailed questions of references who know this person and his or her Rav. Halachically, they must answer you truthfully, so you will get to know any information that is true and pertinent.
I want to be clear that I am not talking about the case in which you are asked about someone whom you actually know, well. In the case where you know someone well presently and there are important things you must say, you are not forced to hide this information. On the contrary, you must be open and honest all according to the guidelines of halacha. If you are unsure how to approach this task in a halachically-correct manner, call your Rav before calling the person back with the information.
What I am talking about is the run-of-the-mill chitchat about someone you don’t know very well. Most of the time, they are personal opinions, like, “Oh him? I don’t see it at all. He’s so not for you. ”, “He’s way too quiet for you.”, “Her? Nah from what I know, she’s not cool enough for you.”, “Her family is too different than yours.”, “I know her brothers, I don’t think she’s a match for you.”, etc. These, and many other comments which might seem to be well-meaning, said by somebody who might have been in the same high school as him a few years back, or somebody who sees him around in Yeshiva but is not friends with him. I have even heard of such things being said by shadchanim who have met a person for five minutes. These things can also easily be said by someone who knows the family a bit but not the girl or boy himself. To sum it up, although these comments seem harmless when they’re said, they often prevent two wonderful singles who might really be good for each other, from ever meeting.
My hope in writing this article is to create a broader view on what we all can do to help the singles in our community. It does not take much effort to be honest with people about a shidduch candidate whom we do not really know, and it could potentially save a shidduch. Hopefully, next time you’re approached to be the FBI agent, you’ll be ready and armed to address the situation properly.
