At the heart of both of those behaviors is a failing of midos. Let’s take the second issue first. Hyper-materialism — popping people’s eyes out — invites jealousy and ayin harah and distracts from the true spirit of a simcha – and of any mitzvah, in fact.
Where is the line between tasteful elegance and over-the-top extravagance? It’s all relative, of course, but I think it comes down to intention. If you have a passion for fresh flowers and want to spend a premium to create a virtual botanical gardens for your chupah, that’s fine. But if you send each guest home with a set of machzorim in order to outdo your friends and neighbors who only give a bentcher or siddur, that’s improper.
Those who work hard for a living should have the freedom to enjoy the fruits of their labor. If splurging on some aspect of their simcha gives them pleasure, no one should be able to take that away from them. At the same time, it’s crucial that those who can afford to spend big do so in a proper spirit and not look down upon those of lesser means.
On the other hand, regardless of the trends set by wealthier members of the community, people should not let themselves be pressured into spending beyond their means. No family should feel compelled to spend more on a simcha than they can afford simply to satisfy the expectations or standards of others. It’s human nature to be jealous of those who have more, but it’s important to fight that urge. “Thou shalt not covet” is a precept so important it made it into the Ten Commandments. In any event, a simple celebration can be as beautiful, warm, and meaningful (often more so) as a Madison Avenue affair.
Simcha spending bans miss an opportunity to encourage all of us to work on these midos challenges. But they also advance a cookie-cutter mentality that idealizes a single way of doing things, no matter each person’s preferences, priorities, and individuality. For example, isn’t it better for a chasan and kallah to tune in to each other’s wants and needs instead of consulting a prescribed list of gifts? Something purchased off a checklist hardly seems like a gift at all — it’s merely fulfilling an obligation.
Unfortunately, it’s not only the chassidic world that uses wholesale bans as a tactic of choice. The yeshivish world all too often jumps on the ban-wagon with an indiscriminate approach to problems that throws out the proverbial baby with the bathwater. Girls and boys from neighboring high schools meeting up at the local pizza shop? Ban any visits to any pizza shop anywhere. Jewish music concert might promote unrestrained merrymaking? Cancel the whole event. Inappropriate material available online? Outlaw the entire Internet.
Bans serve absolutely no heuristic purpose. They don’t give anyone — especially young people — the knowledge or the tools to make good decisions for themselves. And plenty of positive social, spiritual, or intellectual encounters never take place because an entire category of experience has been cut off. Everyone is expected to line up in lockstep with little need to think for himself. Is that the kind of society we want?
Like other bans, simcha spending restrictions are not the answer. Hashem endows each of us with the measure of wealth that He sees fit, and differences in standard of living are a natural feature of every contemporary community. Our rabbinic leaders should encourage us to respect those differences, to make wise, responsible choices, and to join with pure hearts in each other’s simchas.