Fortunately, he was still available. The girl got a shadchan to redt her to this boy and they have now been happily married for many years, b”H. This story shows how personality cannot be read off a resume nor heard from others. Truly, the only way to know if you will click is by going out and giving it a fair shot. This story also shows that sometimes people really don’t know a person, and you need to take certain details with a grain of salt. If you go back to the basic principles of what makes a marriage work, and what traits should be important in a match, and all those things are lined up – it’s always worth giving it a date.
After the First Date
After a first or second date, your reaction may be, “Wow, he was a really nice guy, but….” Think about the reasons you want to say no. Are they legitimate? Are they important enough to not give it another date? Committing to a second date is not committing to a marriage; it is simply giving the shidduch time to play itself out. Think about your best friend. Did she become your best friend at your first encounter? Did you decide in those first three hours of knowing her that she was best friend material? I’m sure you have many good friends who gave off a totally different impression the first time you met them. It is similar in a match. The myth of love-at-first-sight is indeed a myth.
If you ask married acquaintances if they hit it off the first, or even the first few times they met their spouse, you’d be surprised to hear that usually it was not all perfection and fireworks. Things were not necessarily ideal or perfect, but there were enough positive traits to give it more dates. As the dates progress, you get to see more and more about the person and can make a clearer decision.
Many singles reject a shidduch after a first or second date because they feel that their personalities didn’t “click.” But it is very important to give a person some time to show you their true personality or to merely get used to their personality. On early dates, singles can be very nervous, and be too quiet or even too outgoing, because they may want to avoid awkward silences. There are many reasons why things won’t be perfect after the first, or the first few dates, so always think about your reason before giving a no and make sure it’s really legitimate.
A Good Dating Mentor
I can not stress enough the importance of having a dating mentor who is older and more experienced to guide you through your dating journey. It is easy to just say no and end a shidduch, but what if a person is pushing away his or her bashert simply by not giving it enough time, or by not even agreeing to meet in the first place? This is where a good dating mentor comes into play. It is crucial to have someone to talk to and ask advice from. Even more important is having an older and experienced dating mentor. For such a sensitive and intricate topic such as your future bashert, you should be getting advice for your particular situation from either parents whom you trust, a rav or rebbetzin you’re close with, or someone else who is older and has experience and daas Torah.
Getting More Dates
Imagine you’re a CPA living in New York City. You’re about to start your job hunt, and everyone you ask has another lead to firms looking for a CPA. Then someone tells you about a great job – an ideal job – in an out-of-NY community (Baltimore, say). What would you do? Most people would look for a job in NY before traveling to find a job, especially if they have so many promising opportunities.