The same goes for dating. A guy living and working or in school/yeshiva in the tri-state area who is getting redt to many New York and New Jersey girls, he will usually go for those ideas first. As we all know, the tri-state area is not a small place, and many options exist there for eligible young men. It might be wise for girls and their parents to forget about the mindset that the boy should always travel to the girl first. While this is true, and in an ideal world the boy should be the one to travel out-of-town for the first date, realistically, a boy may not have a reason to come all the way into Baltimore, even if the shadchan says it’s an “incredible” idea. No doubt five other shadchanim described New York girls as incredible as well.
If out of town girls can be flexible about going to New York for a first date, it is likely that the boy will make time to continue coming to Baltimore for further dates, or at least the two can switch off traveling. In life, we just have to be practical about situations, even if reality goes against our preconceived ideas of chivalry.
What if an excellent idea is suggested, but the young man is far away and has an extremely busy schedule? Perhaps he is in an intense master’s program and can’t possibly get out for dating until a scheduled break in the school year. Should this be a reason to nix the idea?
Fortunately, there is hope for such a shidduch to work out. It is an alternative that has proven very successful in bringing together two busy people who are geographically far from each other (more than a four-hour car drive). Over the past few months I know of at least two mainstream frum couples who have gotten engaged after starting their dating by speaking over Skype. After a few Skype conversations, where things seemed to be going well, the less-busy one of the two traveled to the other. It’s all a matter of being flexible and open. Realize that not every situation is the same, and no person is the same. You may have heard of boys who pick up and travel anywhere they need to go to date girls. Perhaps those boys have a very light schedule. Or maybe they work from their computer, so they can take their work wherever they go. Try not to compare, because every situation and person is very different.
Taking the Step to Engagement
It is said that bringing two people together is as difficult as kriyas Yam Suf. What does this mean? Just as Hashem had to go against His nature to split the Yam Suf, so, too, a boy and a girl from different backgrounds, with preconceived notions of what their ideal match will be, need to go against their nature and come together.Realize that it’s okay if you have differences. So many people see differences and run away. Those who keep running away may just be escaping the bashert Hashem is sending them. What is crucial to remember is that the decision is supposed to be difficult, as difficult as splitting the sea. You are two separate souls who have grown up in different places, who have different expectations, and maybe even a different picture of what you always thought you wanted in a spouse. It is when we differentiate our wants from our true needs that we really can become more open-minded and allow the shidduch to flourish. By doing this, we are in essence allowing the sea to split, leading to our ultimate goal of marriage.