Cats have a love language. Yes, you read that right!
A student of mine recently acquired a purebred Siamese cat. This cat is model-worthy, with stunning fur and deep blue eyes. I love perusing the photos my student sends, but I was a bit concerned when she told me that her cat is able to communicate with her. My student reassured me that cats have a way of saying, “I love you.” Apparently, it’s a thing.
One way they communicate their love is with a long, heavy blink. See a video here.
My student took the time to learn how to master this blink herself. Now, when she blinks at her cat, the cat blinks back.
When I asked my student what prompted her to learn this form of communication, she explained, “This blink is how the cat knows she is loved. Plus, I have so much fun with it!”
Humans also have a love language. Love expert Gary Chapman claims that there are five basic love languages that humans use to communicate. Our job is to learn how to communicate our love to the people around us.
A parent may deeply love her child, but she may not know how to express that love in a way that the child can hear and feel it. The same holds true with our spouses. A wife may care deeply for her husband, but her way of communicating that love may be viewed as controlling or needy by her spouse.
We might be pouring all the right ingredients into loving our family members, but if our form of love isn’t their love language, it’s like speaking Italian to an exclusively English speaker.
Love brings us energy. But utilizing the wrong love language with our family is like trying to pour orange juice into a tank that requires gasoline to drive.
Just like my student took time to learn her cat’s language of love, it is worthwhile to learn the love language of the family and friends surrounding us. I’ve spent the last month brainstorming ways to implement these love languages with my husband and kids. Here is what I came up with based on Chapman’s five languages of love. These practical implementations were the results of my personalized love language project.
- Words of Affirmation
“I could live for two months off a good compliment.” – Mark Twain
Our words have the power to build and express love.
Every day this month, I chose a word from a long list and wrote my husband a note explaining why I feel he exemplifies this trait. Many times these notes are on the back of a picture of him with the children or me.
For example, one entry I wrote was for “brilliant”:
One thing that I love about you is your brilliance. You manage to find solutions where there seems to be no options. You twist your mind around a problem until you find resolution, always thinking of new angles. You are brilliant in Torah study and work-related concepts alike.
We can also simply compliment our spouse in front of the children, or rave about him to his or your parents. When he walks in the door we can say, “I’m so glad to see you!” (Instead of grunting or handing off a crying child to care for). This is an easy way to demonstrate love.
- Physical Touch
Virginia Satir, a therapist, famously shares, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”
I worked on this very idea with my children. For six days I focused on giving each member of my family as many hugs as possible. It was eye-opening. First of all, given how many hours a day they spend away from home, it’s very hard to get twelve hugs from me in a day. I got close to eight, though. But then I realized that the hugs don’t have to all come from me. They have siblings, another parent, friends, and other important people from whom to seek physical comfort.
From this exercise I learned that the task of physically comforting my children doesn’t solely fall on me, and that when I consciously gave them more hugs, their cooperation increased and tantrums decreased. Additionally, as the saying goes, when you give a hug you get one too! My overall sense of calm was increased.
- Gifts
I am not always great about buying gifts. In our family, gifts are generally associated with a holiday or birthday. This month I worked on surprising my children and husband with a small gift “just because.” I once took my son to a blowout sale that was carrying his favorite brand of sneakers. Because “if you are into the brand, then I am into the brand.” I bought my girls lovely, yet inexpensive earrings, just because. My children were thrilled with these small tokens, expressing genuine gratitude, and it truly was beautiful to see.
- Quality Time
Gary Neuman, a famous marriage therapist, stresses the importance of weekly date night. He explains that perhaps more important than merely going out, is simply finding time to talk to our spouse daily without distraction. Even if you can’t get away from home with your husband, make an effort to put your phone down, look him in the eye, and have a fulfilling conversation. I can share that incorporating this tool into ones marriage develops tremendous emotional closeness. Putting away the phone and making your spouse the priority is a sign of respect and love.
- Acts of Service
Some individuals feel most loved when another is helping them in a physical way. Even though cooking is not my favorite activity, I thought it would be more enjoyable if I made the favorite dish of each family member. I honored everyone’s desire by making their favorite for Shabbat. They chose franks in blanks, chicken poppers, yellow rice, and even though my husband passed on the exercise, I made him his favorite veggies: cauliflower and eggplant.
Then, lo and behold, on that Friday afternoon my husband said, “Oh, are you making me a dish too?”
“I made you your favorite veggies since you didn’t really tell me anything…. Is there a different dish you would want?” I asked him.
“No, it’s okay,” he hedged. “I mean, I would like to have hot dogs and beans (his favorite dish growing up), but don’t worry about it.”
Old Sarah would have had this conversation and thought, Okay, I’ll make him hot dogs and beans on Monday. But this was the month I was focusing on acts of service for my family members. So I quickly made an extra effort to prepare his favorite dish, and surprised him with it at the dinner table. He was thrilled as were the kids. They all told me that it was the best Shabbos of the month.
Whether you have cats or kids, we can all utilize Gary Chapman’s tools and inspire ourselves to make our own love language project. You and your family will surely reap the rewards.
