Many parents spend their weekends shuttling their Alpha Generation kids around to various activities, sports programs, and birthday parties. Perhaps you and your husband have struggled to divide and conquer the hectic schedule. You’ve probably griped about feeling like a glorified Uber driver. By the time Sunday evening comes around, you plop onto the couch from exhaustion.
In contrast, my own childhood Sundays looked vastly different. We often went to Home Depot or to furniture showrooms, simply because my parents needed to. I learned to entertain myself on these errands. Sure, I took ballet classes after school some days, but on Sundays, my parents did what was best for them and worked for their schedule.
Nowadays, Sundays are centered on the children, often to their parents’ inconvenience. Years ago, there was a belief that what was good for the parent was good for the child.
Parenting expert Katherine Saltzberg explains: “We went from being a parent-centered family to a child-centered family. Kids are running the show. It’s all about making our kids happy. Their feelings of happiness now outweigh their behavior.”
Saltzberg, influenced by John Rosemond, notes that this shift began in the late 1960s with psychologists like Thomas Gordon who developed a new way of parenting. Gordon argued that how we have been parenting is wrong. He believes that parents should start taking the emotional temperature of their child by asking, “How do you feel about this?” This focus, Saltzberg says, “made children’s happiness paramount over their behavior.”
While everyone wants their kids to be happy, if your sole focus is on your kids’ feelings, then you are always going to be chasing the proverbial pot at the end of the rainbow.
This new style is premised on the fact that it’s our job to make our kids happy. So instead of getting our own needs met (such as running an errand that would make the week go more smoothly), we take our kids to one of their never-ending activities.
“Historically, there was a tendency to place less emphasis on children’s needs. In response, modern parents overcorrect by making their children the central focus,” explains therapist Rebecca Wurzburger, Psy.D. “While well-intentioned, this approach can disrupt the necessary balance. Children benefit most when they see the adults in their lives confidently managing responsibilities and ensuring the well-being of all family members – including their partners. By returning to a more balanced approach, families can foster an environment that nurtures everyone’s emotional and relational needs.”
Wurzburger believes that while priorities can shift temporarily, if parents exclusively focus on their children’s needs, they risk neglecting their marriage, which can ultimately harm the entire family, including the children.
Parenting Your Spouse?
A woman approached me after I had given a parenting lecture. She chuckled and told me, “I have three kids, but four including my husband!”
While it was meant to be a joke, it’s starting to feel like the hierarchy in the family structure has really shifted. Making that kind of jab puts down your spouse and belittles him in front of others.
In the physically and emotionally demanding process of raising your child, you might discover that you are parenting your spouse and honoring your child.
It is perfectly normal to seek help from a spouse while in the thick of putting the kids to bed or tending to a newborn. The issue becomes when you misdirect the recipient of your parenting. You might be doting on your newborn, only to glance at your spouse to direct them to grab the wipes for you.
Alternatively, you might be laughing with your children while playing a board game only to call up to your spouse to inquire if they have prepared dinner yet. Who are we honoring and who are we parenting in this situation? Should we not be asking for help with chores from our children and making our spouse feel respected?
Parenting your spouse can also take the form of back-seat driving, opining on their wardrobe, or making other demands.
Don’t you think you should wear a coat? It’s cold outside!
You need a haircut.
I hate when you wear that color.
When you are you going to take the car to the shop?
Comments like these will surely make your spouse feel childlike and incapable.
Over the past month, how often have you and your spouse have disagreed about child-rearing? If you are like most Americans, the answer is: frequently.
You or your spouse may have warned each other:
Stop raising your voice to her!
Don’t talk to him like that!
Be careful! You are playing too rough!
Essentially, these kinds of comments tie your spouse’s hands completely. You may have thought, I have to speak up because my spouse is going to damage my child psychologically. In actuality, the real damage takes place when your child sees that you as parents are not functioning as a unified front. Your children experience two opposing feelings when one spouse undermines the other. On the one hand, they feel empowered. They think, Wow, look at them go. All I had to do was XYZ, and they are blowing a gasket! That’s a powerful feeling of control for a kid. At the same time, this kind of dynamic is horrible for their self-esteem. They think, Wow I must be SO BAD that they can’t control me…or themselves. I must be a really terrible kid.
If one spouse refuses a child’s request, and the other undermines that decision, it can be detrimental to a child’s self-esteem. What children need is stability and cohesiveness between their parents to feel safe and secure. Additionally, undermining your spouse in front of your child can do more damage than whatever act or behavior you disagree with.
Parent Your Children
Part of parenting your children is opening their minds to the fact that they are not the center of the world, or of the family dynamic. Showing them that your relationship with your spouse is paramount is the greatest parenting gift you can give them. This may require rearranging priorities to reflect that.
If your Sundays are feeling overwhelming, or your schedule is overbooked, try scaling back by removing an activity from your child’s schedule or taking a few months off from all activities. If you have multiple children, you can alternate which children have activities or reduce the number of activities each child is signed up for.
In our family, we take summers off and make sure to build in sporadic Sundays where we do not follow a schedule at all. We never have all five children participating in activities simultaneously. Every so often, my spouse and I hire a babysitter and have a Sunday just for us. We utilize the entire day to take a mini trip or enjoy a date.
This way, Sundays can be fun for everyone, including you!
Be A Team With Your Spouse
You and your spouse probably have two different ways of handling your children, and that is perfectly acceptable! While you should be aligned in core values, it is nearly impossible to be on the same page in every situation. You are two different people; no two people think exactly alike. It’s much better for your children to see you supporting each other than to see you arguing about how to handle them.
Unless your spouse is actually doing something abusive or dangerous to your child’s safety, it is better to hold back criticism. What you gain in the moment, you lose long-term through your child’s lack of respect for one or both of you.
When you disrespect your spouse, your children learn not only to do the same, but they also lose respect for you. They feel confused and don’t know who the “better” parent is, or with whom their loyalty should lie.
Here is an alternative strategy. Next time you see your spouse doing something you know deep down is bad for your child, stay silent, or try using a code to communicate your feelings. “I’m blowing you a kiss” or “Can you help me in the kitchen?” are codes that couples can use to enhance their marital harmony. Established ahead of time in calm moments, they mean “Let’s talk about this at another time” or “Let’s not undermine each other in front of the children.” This helps the couple navigate the situation smoothly and inconspicuously.
We make our kids happy by developing a secure family hierarchy and stable relationship with our spouse. This includes not indulging them constantly and making sure you are still doing what is best for you.
Ultimately, it is not your job to make your child or anyone else happy. The only person you can make happy is yourself (and that is a big enough job!). You will be a better parent and spouse if you take care of your own needs and respect one another’s parenting style, even if it does not match your own. You can and should carve out time to spend exclusively with your spouse. Your child will see you both happy, and in turn, will feel secure.
Restoring parental authority and showing a united front will, in the long run, make your children happier and your relationship with your spouse more solid.
