Question: I am a single mother of young children. Their father has shirked all responsibilities for the children. I do my best for my children, and am doing that which is not really my responsibility. Isn’t the father in serious violation of the Torah by neglecting his children and not making any effort to provide them an education?
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Answer: We learn from the Mishna (Kiddushin 29a) that a father has certain responsibilities to his children, while a mother is exempt. One of those responsibilities is teaching Torah. The Mechaber (Yoreh Deah 245:1-6) states that it is a Biblical requirement for the father to educate his son in Torah, either himself or by hiring a teacher. Meiri (Nazir 29) learns from R. Yochanan that other than designating a child a nazir, a woman shares in the obligations of child rearing, including the education of her child. The Shita Mekubbetzes (Nazir ad loc) cites the Gemara (Sukkah 2b) about how Queen Helena trained her minor children to eat in the sukkah, indicating that a mother is also obligated to educate her children in the performance of mitzvot.
Last week we examined several commentators who indicate a mother’s responsibility to educate her children is only for precepts they will be obligated to perform when they reach maturity, and not discretionary precepts, such as nezirut. The Chidushei Orach Mishor specifies that a mother is obligated to train her children in positive precepts, mitzvot aseh, but not prohibitory precepts, mitzvot lo ta’aseh.
Rabbi Reuven Grozovsky explains that a father is actually not obligated to train his children in the performance of mitzvot; rather he bears personal responsibility for his children’s transgressions because they are considered his own transgressions. It is in the father’s own interest to train his children in mitzvot. Conversely, a mother bears no personal responsibility for her children’s transgressions.
I posited that the Torah and our Sages place the responsibility of chinuch on the father because at times he might shirk his responsibility. On the other hand, a mother will naturally go to great lengths to make sure her children are educated, so no additional obligation is placed upon her. I nevertheless noted the influence that the great women of scripture, Sarah, Rivka, Ruth, and Naomi, had in ensuring the proper continuation of Jewish history.
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To better understand the mother’s role in the development of her children, let us look at the fundamental source that is our Torah She’b’Ktav (the Written Torah, i.e., Tanach).
After I penned my own words in last week’s installment, I was very fortunate to find a similar thought expressed by the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, zt”l (Sha’arei Chinuch p. 113). Baruch shekivanti l’daat gedolim – Blessed [is He Who] directed me to the same conclusion as the Sages.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe discusses the role of the mother in the education of the child and notes as follows: “It is important to emphasize the obligation and merits of Jewish women as regards chinuch – educating the child. First and foremost: The obligation of chinuch according to the strict letter of the law is the father’s responsibility.”
The Rebbe cites Shulchan Aruch HaRav (Orach Chayyim 343:sk2): “…His father…is obligated rabbinically to educate his [minor] son or daughter even in the observance of Biblical precepts when they reach the age of chinuch [as explained infra (sk2), this differs with each child – each according to his own level of understanding. However, the Gemara (Bava Batra 21a) sets the age at either six or seven], and surely he must keep them from violating any Biblical prohibitions. The mother (infra sk4) is not obligated at all in her child’s actions as relates to positive or negative Biblical precepts.”
“Notwithstanding,” the Rebbe continues, “the education and the conduct of the [young] sons and daughters, and especially the very young, in actuality is dependent to a great degree on the training of the mother, the mainstay of the house, and for all practical purposes the preponderance of [proper] chinuch is through her.
“Also well known is that which Shela (Sha’ar Ha’otiot 44:1) writes: ‘Women are obligated to admonish their children, no different than the father, and even more so since they are the ones who are in the home and more available.’
“And further, there is a greater advantage to education and admonishment when done by women than when done by men because as a matter of nature women are more gentle and infuse more love and caring than men in the training of their children. Indeed, we have seen, especially in these recent generations, that specifically when reaching out with love (as the pasuk in Mishlei (22:6) states, ‘Chanoch la’na’ar al pi darko” – teach the lad in the manner most suited him’), there the results have the greatest success.
“Similarly just as we have related insofar as chinuch, education in the performance of mitzvot in general, the same applies to the study of Torah: It is a positive Biblical precept for the father to teach his young son Torah [as we cited from the Gemara (Kiddushin 29a)], which is not so as regards the mother (see Rambam on the beginning of Hilchot Talmud Torah), who since she herself is not obligated in the mitzvah of Torah study, she is thus not obligated to teach Torah to her children.”
“Nevertheless,” continues the Rebbe, “if she helps her son or her husband with her physical and/or material involvement to ensure that they study Torah, she earns a portion of their merit, as the Gemara (Berachot 17a) states: ‘What is the great merit of women? That they bring their children to the synagogue and they await their husbands as they study.’”
Finally, the Rebbe cites the all-important fact that a child’s very Jewishness is determined by his mother. [This our Sages derive from the Torah in Parashat Va’et’chanan (Deuteronomy 7:3-4), which adjures in relation to the gentile nations: “Ve’lo titchaten bam, bit’cha lo titen li’vno, u’bito lo tikach l’vincha” – You shall not intermarry with them, you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son; “ki yasir et bin’cha me’acharay, ve’avdu elohim acherim” – for he will cause your son to turn away from Me and they will worship the gods of others…” R. Yochanan in the name of Rabbi Shimon b. Yochai (Kiddushin 68b) expounds from these two verses that your son who comes from an Israelite woman is your son, while your son who comes from a gentile woman is not referred to as your son. Now who will cause whom to turn away from G-d? It is the gentile father who will cause your son – that is, the son of your daughter – to turn away from Me. Nevertheless he – your grandson – is referred to as your son.
Rashi and Tosafot have different perspectives on these verses, but either way it is clear that a son born of a Jewish woman takes on her Jewish status. The Rebbe writes, “If the mother is Jewish, then the son is also Jewish, and it matters not who the father is or in whatever situation the father finds himself [since the father is of no relevance in this matter].”
“From this,” the Rebbe concludes, “we see the great merit and responsibility that has been invested in the mother in relation to chinuch – education. This is a clear indication that as regards educating a child to be a [proper] Jew, it is dependent upon the mother.”
True, circumstances have left you in a difficult situation, but ultimately you are the one who is the greatest determining factor in raising your children as good, G-d-fearing Jews. May Hashem bless you in this lofty task and may we all merit the redemption with the arrival of Moshiach, speedily in our days.
