Question: My friends are getting married on Rosh Chodesh Sivan. I tried to convince them to do otherwise, as many people have a minhag not to attend weddings until three days before Shavuot. They told me they spoke to rabbis who allowed it. Is this right? May I attend?
Name Withheld By Request
Answer: Regardless of your personal minhag in the matter of sefirah observance, you may attend.
The basis for observing mourning practices during sefirah is the Gemara (Yevamot 62b), which states as follows: “It was said that Rabbi Akiva had 12,000 pairs of disciples, from Gibbethon until Antipatris, and they all died in one season because they did not treat each other with respect. Thus, the world remained desolate until R. Akiva came to our sages in the south and taught them. … All of them died between Pesach and Shavuot.” (Bereishit Rabbah 61:3 has a similar account.)
Based on this Gemara, the Tur (Orach Chayim 493) states as follows: “It is customary everywhere not to get married between Pesach and Shavuot since we do not excessively celebrate during this period when the students of Rabbi Akiva died. The R”i Gi’at states that this [custom is limited] to marriage, which is the main simcha, but engagements and betrothals are proper. Even concerning marriage, if one went ahead and got married, we [beit din] do not mete out any punishment. However, if a man comes with a request to get married, we do not allow it. This is the edict of the Geonim.”
Rav Hai Gaon (Teshuvot HaGe’onim, Sha’arei Teshuva 278) writes as follows: “And that which you asked why we do not marry between Pesach and Shavuot: You should know that this is not because of a prohibition. It is rather because of a custom of mourning, as the Gemara (Yevamot 62b) states that Rabbi Akiva had 24,000 disciples, who all died between Pesach and Shavuot because they didn’t act properly toward each other, and they all died unusually horrible deaths through askara (diphtheria).”
Rav Hai Gaon continues, “From that time on, the Rishonim established the custom not to marry on these days, but they permitted engagements and betrothals.”
Perhaps they permitted getting engaged because another person might “anticipate him and marry her.” This is why one may get engaged on Yom Tov. Normally “ein me’arvin be’simcha – one may not mix one joy with another,” but the Gemara (Mo’ed Katan 18b) states that we make an exception for getting engaged lest a rival suitor propose to her before he does.
We find the following in Responsa Tashbatz (Vol. I, Responsum 178): “Be aware that our custom is only to prohibit [marriages] until Lag B’Omer. Rabbi Zerachiah Halevi cites an old Sephardic manuscript stating that Rabbi Akiva’s students died from Pesach until Peros Ha’atzeret.” “Peros” is defined as “half,” which here means not fewer than 16 days. (A baraita [Megilla 29b] states that we are supposed to learn about the laws of Pesach 30 days before yom tov, and half of that time period is 15 days. Fifteen days before Shavuot is Lag B’Omer.)
Based on this responsum, we are left with a total of 33 full days of mourning. There are various minhagim regarding these 33 days. Our custom is not to get haircuts until Lag B’Omer because that is when Rabbi Akiva’s students ceased dying. In fact, a person should not have his hair cut until the 34th day during daytime. The Rema notes that in Ashkenazic lands we can have our hair cut starting on the 33rd day.
The Mechaber states that some are accustomed to have their hair cut on Rosh Chodesh Iyar, but he disapproves of this practice. The Rema seems to differ by citing another custom which permits getting haircuts until Rosh Chodesh Iyar, but not from Lag B’Omer and on even though it is permitted on Lag B’Omer itself. On the other hand, those who have their hair cut from Lag B’Omer and on should not do so from after Pesach until Lag B’Omer.
People living in the same city should have a single custom lest they violate “Lo titgodedu” (Deuteronomy 14:1).
(To be continued)