Question: My friends are getting married on Rosh Chodesh Sivan. I tried to convince them to do otherwise, as many people have a minhag not to attend weddings until three days before Shavuot. They told me they spoke to rabbis who allowed it. Is this right? May I attend?
Name Withheld By Request
Last week we began our discussion by answering clearly that, yes, you may attend the wedding. The source for observing mourning customs during sefirah is the Gemara (Yevamot 62b), which explains that 12,000 pairs of Rabbi Akiva’s students died between Pesach and Shavuot. We explained that mourning customs are observed only during 33 of the 49 days between Passover and Shavuot since Rabbi Akiva’s students only died for 33 days. According to some, the 33 days of mourning customs should be observed from Rosh Chodesh Iyar until Shavuot.
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Many people assume that the Mechaber’s statement that it is wrong to have one’s hair cut on Rosh Chodesh Iyar applies no matter what sefirah minhag one follows. However, the Aruch HaShulchan (ad loc.) clarifies that it only applies to those who follow the minhag to observe aveilut from the second day of Pesach until Lag B’Omer.
There are other minhagim, and the Rema in his Darchei Moshe commentary on the Tur (ad loc.) notes that it is wrong to say that any of the customs are incorrect. However, we should not follow two leniencies at the same time.
The Magen Avraham (ad loc.) rules that we mourn from Pesach all the way until Shavuot because, in his opinion, R. Akiva’s students died during this entire period. We subtract, though, the days on which we don’t say Tachanun, which are: the days of Pesach; the two days of Rosh Chodesh Iyar; the one day of Rosh Chodesh Sivan; and the seven Sabbaths of those weeks – amounting to a total of 16 days. On Lag B’Omer we are lenient due the significance of that day.
The Shulchan Aruch HaRav (ad loc.) states that a person who has not yet fulfilled the mitzvah of p’ru u’revu, or cannot manage living alone, may marry even while observing aveilut for his father or mother. Surely then one may marry during sefirah, when we mourn only due to a custom (see also Responsa Beit Yisrael by Rabbi Yisrael Zev Horowitz, who was av beit din in Ujhely, Hungary, and later in Tiberias, Israel, where we find a similar argument). Nevertheless, “we are more stringent in this regard in our lands.”
The Chief Sefardic Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef (Yalkut Yosef, Vol. 8, Minhagei Yemei HaSefira 34), permits getting married during sefirah if the need is great. He emphasizes, though, that it is preferable to perform such a marriage on Rosh Chodesh Iyar. He then adds (contrary to the minhag of the Beit Yosef) that the groom may cut his hair for the wedding.
Regarding the statements of the Tur and the Mechaber that if a person “went ahead and married, we do not mete out any punishment,” the Mishnah Berurah explains that this only applies to marriage, for he has fulfilled a mitzvah, but if a person had his hair cut, there was a custom to levy a fine as punishment.
This issue is addressed in the wonderful encyclopedic Bein Pesach LeShavuot by Rabbi Zvi Cohen, shlita (8:8). There we find a discussion based on Tur Bareket (siman 493) regarding the custom of forbidding haircuts, which was instituted earlier than the custom of forbidding marriages, the latter coming “on the heels of,” and because of, the former. Most people assume that the sefirah mourning practices are due to Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 students dying during this period. However, “according to those with understanding of Kabbalah, whose every action depends on sound motives, the main reason we do not cut our hair on those days is because of a specific hidden reason, not because of mourning.”
The Chatam Sofer (Orach Chayim, Responsum 142) cites the Gaon Rav Meshulam, who states: “Here the custom has evolved to marry on Rosh Chodesh Iyar, on Lag B’Omer, and on the three days [preceding Shavuot]. And this should not be done because it appears as ‘tartei de’satrei,’ two contradicting positions. Therefore, as a set rule, we prohibit weddings on the three days [preceding Shavuot].”
The Chatam Sofer notes that the only problem Rav Meshulam has is “tartei de’satrei,’’ which applies only to the mesadder kiddushin, the officiating rabbi who can perform weddings on all these days. The individual, though, does not get married on all these days; he gets married only once.
He also notes that the stringency not to get a haircut seems to be more severe than not marrying. Nevertheless, any difficulties in behaving one way or the other stems from the fact that in the same city we do not follow customs that are diametrically opposed to one another.
The Gaon HaRav Moshe Feinstein (Iggrot Moshe, Vol. I, Orach Chayim 159) states clearly that in New York – where people come from places with different customs – everyone may follow his own custom, as New York is considered one city with two batei din and therefore there is no problem of “lo titgodedu.”
Rabbi Feinstein was asked the following (Iggrot Moshe, Volume II, Orach Chayyim 94): What should a person who has to go to a wedding on Rosh Chodesh Sivan do if his custom is not to have his hair cut from Rosh Chodesh Iyar until the three days preceding Shavuot?”
Rabbi Feinstein replies that if he knows about the wedding before the onset of sefirah, he can change his minhag. Otherwise, he writes, he may go and even cut his hair (which is the bigger of the two problems) if not doing so will embarrass him. He is permitted to do so even if he does not have a close relationship with the hosts, as there is a mitzvah of simchat chatan v’kallah which is incumbent on all participants.
Dancing and music are also permitted at such a wedding as they are part and parcel of a wedding celebration. If one makes the wedding on Lag B’Omer or Erev Rosh Chodesh Iyar, dancing and music are also permitted during the seven days of Sheva Berachot that follow.
Thus, to answer your question, there is no doubt that you may attend a wedding on Rosh Chodesh Sivan. It is important also to understand that a Jewish couple, due to several factors, is limited in their choice of wedding dates. Therefore, we must be very considerate of their needs.
In conclusion, send back your response card indicating that you will attend, and perhaps we will soon experience an even greater joy – dancing in the streets of Jerusalem as we celebrate the arrival of Melech Hamashiach speedily in our days.