Question: My husband and I are frequent Shabbos guests at our children’s homes nearby. Where should I light Shabbos candles – in my home or theirs?
Name Withheld
Last week we cited the view of Rabbi Sternbuch that, all things being equal, it is preferable to light them where one eats as, in that manner, the lighting honors Shabbat. Rabbi Sternbuch also suggests that, if one lights at home, one should turn off the electric lights in one’s bedroom and immediately turn them on again before saying the blessing since the main purpose of lighting is to prevent stumbling in the dark. One need not worry as much if one is lighting where one eats since “ribbui nerot” enhances the honor of Shabbat.
* * * * *
We now cite the view of Rabbi Moshe Stern, zt”l, the Debrecener Rav (Ba’er Moshe Vol. 8:68). Rabbi Stern has written extensively on this matter; below is his last published comments on it:
“I answered that the woman should light Shabbat candles in her house, albeit only if she is able to light longer-lasting candles that will remain lit after they return from their parents’ home and they eat fruit or mezonot with tea or coffee at the light of the candles when they return; otherwise the blessing [she uttered when she lit] will be a blessing in vain. This is the proper way. All other ways are only last-resort solutions, ‘she’at ha’dechak.’
“If she does not have longer-lasting candles, and yet lights Shabbat candles in her home, she should not leave her home immediately to go to her parents’ or her in-laws’ home. Rather, she should wait until it gets dark and then offer some prayers by the light of the candles in order that she derive benefit from them.
“In the event that she is unable to wait and must leave immediately to her parents’ or in-laws’ home, her husband should return to their house after Maariv and derive some benefit from the candles [so that the blessing she uttered should not have been in vain].”
Rabbi Stern now quotes from an earlier responsum of his, related to our question (Ba’er Moshe Vol. 6, Kunteres Electric 59:6):
“Even though reciting the blessing of Lehadlik Ner Shel Shabbat over electric light might possibly be considered a blessing in vain (safek beracha levatalah), if they don’t know if the candles will still be burning when they return home, they should do as follows: Before she lights the candles, the electric lights should be turned off, and she should light her candles. Then, the husband should turn the electric lights back on, keeping in mind that he is doing so for the purpose of kindling lights in honor of Shabbat. Thus, when they return [no matter how late], a candle, i.e., an electric light, will be on in honor of Shabbat.
“I always ruled in answer to any who came to me that the wife should not kindle Shabbat candles in their house until the electric lights have been turned off. Then, when it is [sufficiently] dark in the house, she should light Shabbat candles, and before she utters the blessing, the husband or even she herself should turn the electric lights back on, and then she should recite the blessing.”
“However,” notes Rabbi Stern, “after much thought on this matter I have come to the conclusion regarding our question that in such a situation one should use tall candles that will burn until they return home. Upon returning home, they should eat fruit or cake and drink tea or coffee by the light of the candles. If this is not possible, then she should light candles with a blessing in the home of her parents or in-laws. However, before they leave the house they should turn off the electric lights and turn them on again in honor of Shabbat. The husband should light two candles, without a blessing, in honor of Shabbat.”
(Rabbi Stern mentions in an earlier responsum [Vol. 6:64] that she should have in mind not to fulfill her obligation via the blessing of her mother or mother-in-law, lest her own blessing be in vain.)
Rabbi Stern adds that according to what the Mishnah Berurah (Orach Chayim 527:55), the candles must belong to the woman (or man) who kindles them. Thus, it is important that the young couple take along their own candles if they are going to their parents or in-laws or make a kinyan by acquiring them from parents or in-laws in one of the accepted manners of purchase. Alternatively, the parents or in-laws should state clearly, ‘We are giving this to you as a present, a matana gemura.’”
Rabbi Stern concludes: “Even though this is a novel approach, it is proper to implement these procedures with great meticulousness for the sake of this very important mitzvah.”