There is no doubt that one making a wedding today encounters a lot of expense at every turn. In today’s economy a major portion of that higher cost can be attributed to the steeper cost of kosher beef, chicken and fish, all staples of a Jewish wedding.
Of course, it is the dream of every kallah and chasan to have a beautiful wedding, an evening’s event that soon turns into a cherished memory. This is something for which we rely on caterers, experts in their field to choreograph and deliver.
True, not every family has the means to go the most elegant route. Thus, there are many who opt for the more recent innovation – the takana wedding– a rules-bound affair that limits the expenses through certain specifically detailed rules.
There are indeed, people of note who sponsor wedding and simcha halls that cater specifically to this need in our community and may they be blessed. In fact, I’ve been to weddings in such halls where the presentation was done so excellently that one would not have guessed it was a takana event.
Yet it is important to note that there are those who can afford the expense of a “lavish” wedding; these people have a choice. After all, marrying off a kallah is one of those mitzvot that the Beraisa in Talmud Shabbos (127a), which we recite every morning, tell us of its unique greatness. Just as one might accomplish the mitzvah with a basic inexpensive esrog, yet some pay great amounts to find the best most beautiful fruit with which to accomplish the mitzvah; zeh Keili v’anveihu – this is my G-d that I may glorify Him [through the performance of this mitzvah].
There should not be a one-size-fits-all takana for every wedding or bar/bat mitzvah. It is important to understand that caterers, orchestras, photographers and all the associated providers all have to make a living.
– Rabbi Yaakov Klass is chairman of the Presidium of the Rabbinical Alliance of America; rav of Congregation K’hal Bnei Matisyahu in Flatbush, Brooklyn; and Torah editor of The Jewish Press. He can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected].
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The simple answer is yes. However, the question remains –What is the cause for these weddings to be so expensive?
Obviously, the caterers and wedding halls are only reacting to what the consumer demands. If the parents are willing to pay the price for a lavish wedding, they will provide for them. Many parents with great monetary capabilities are able to provide for their sons or daughters their dream wedding whatever the cost. If some parents have the capacity and wish to provide for their children, they will do it.
Is it right? In my estimation it can be misconstrued and seen as a sign of arrogance and haughtiness which our Sages certainly look upon as being at best unacceptable behavior for Jewish people. I understand that parents want to provide the best for their children, but there must be a middle ground. People should behave with moderation and not flaunt their wealth for everyone to see. A better alternative is to set limits on their spending and instead give the rest that would have been spent to tzedakah.
As an addendum, there are caterers who do provide a more modest wedding setting at a much lower expense for the parents.
– Rabbi Mordechai Weiss lives in Efrat, Israel, and previously served as an elementary and high school principal in New Jersey and Connecticut. He was also the founder and rav of Young Israel of Margate, N.J. His email is [email protected].
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Thank G-d we live in a time when wealth and abundance seen to be ubiquitous. I don’t believe in the history of civilization there has ever been so much abundance and opulence available to the average person. While that means tremendous beracha, it also comes with a real cost, that we become very entrenched in physicality, and we begin to value luxuries and materialism that is far removed from a Torah viewpoint.
Spending money on a mitzvah is a wonderful concept, but unfortunately our weddings have become so lavish and so extravagant that they have long ago lost any Jewish taste to them. I’ve often thought about the concept – imagine if your waiters were wearing the clothes of the clergy instead of regular waiting suits, you wouldn’t find it to be a very Jewish affair. But when we deck out our weddings in the manner that we do, that is effectively what we are doing. We are taking the Jewish taste out of it and making it very secular. In that sense, it is important that we each in our own way try to cut back and to live a simpler life style, and certainly in how we make simchas.
I’ve often thought about the fact that if my great-grandmother were brought to one of our modern simchas, she would look at it and say, “What in the world do you need such lavish simchas for, why do you need so much food and carving stations?” And I would have to say to her, “Alter bubbe, this is only the vort; wait until you see the wedding.” It is important for us to wake up and realize that this is not Jewish, not appropriate, and creates tremendous pressures – and is against the Torah approach.
– Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier is founder of The Shmuz and author of 10 Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make (available at theshmuz.com).
