Priorities
‘According To Their Wisdom And Their Age’
(Bava Basra 120a)
Our daf notes that the Torah lists the daughters of Tzelofchad in order of their wisdom when they ask for shares of their father’s inheritance (Bamidbar 27:2-3). However, when they marry, the Torah lists them in age order (Bamidbar 36:11). This distinction supports R. Ami who directs that in matters of Torah, we give priority to chochma, and at a banquet, we give priority to the oldest.
Marrying Before An Older Sibling?
The Tur asserts that at a banquet or wedding feast, we should seat the oldest participant at the head of the table (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah end of 244) and the Rashbam comments likewise on our sugya (s.v. “Bimesibah, ve’hu de’maflig b’ziknah”).
The Rashbam (s.v. “Lehalan”) also states that Tzelofchad’s daughters married in age order in conformity with Lavan’s dictate: “In our place, people do not give the younger daughter before the older” (Bereishis 29:26).
According to the Bach, the Tur maintains that one may not arrange a younger brother’s wedding before that of an older brother. According to this interpretation, the Gemara teaches us that the rule about marrying off children in age order applies to both sons and daughters. The Shach agrees with this ruling.
Does this prohibition apply to the children or only to the father? If it only applies to the father, perhaps younger children can marry before their older siblings.
The Gemara’s mention of Tzelofchad’s daughters suggests that the rule of marrying in age order only applies to sisters, not brothers, who have a mitzvah to beget children. Some poskim, though, claim that a person should not marry before his older brothers since doing so would dishonor them, and he is obligated to respect them (Kesubos 103a). This obligation temporarily exempts him from the mitzvah to beget children (Responsa Avnei Chefetz 25).
However, some poskim maintain that a person is only obligated to honor his oldest, first-born, brother (see Responsa Shevus Yaakov 1:76, and Responsa Chasam Sofer 6:29).
Poskim disagree whether a person is obligated to honor his older sisters (see Shevus Yaakov, ibid., and Birkei Yosef on Yoreh Deah 240).
Just Courteous And Ethical Behavior
The Maharsham asserts that the principle to wait for one’s older siblings to marry is a matter of ethics and politeness (3:136). Furthermore, the prohibition only applies to daughters. One should never delay the wedding of a younger brother due to an unmarried older sister since he must fulfill the mitzvah of begetting children (see Toledos Yaakov, p. 321).
It seems, though, that the Chasam Sofer heeded the custom to refrain from marrying off younger brothers before older ones and even relates that his mentor Rabbi Nosson Adler, zt”l, told him that he had once erred in allowing someone to act otherwise. “Therefore,” concludes the Chasam Sofer, “I shall not transgress the words of the Torah” (Iggros Soferim 29).
A Novel Interpretation
Many poskim (Iggros Moshe, Even Haezer 2:1; Minchas Yitzchak 7:125) maintain that the opinion of the Rashbam, the Tur, and Rashi (Bamidbar 36:11) that a younger brother should not marry before an older one applies only if both brothers are engaged.
According to the Divrei Chaim, Tzelofchad’s daughters were perhaps all married on the same day, and that is why the weddings were arranged in accordance with their age (Responsa Divrei Yatziv, Even Haezer 9).
The Chazon Ish and Rabbi Yitzchak Yaakov Weiss, zt”l, also ruled that a person may marry before his older brother (Kovetz Iggros 1:166). Rabbi Weiss remarks, though, that, whenever possible, a younger brother should beg forgiveness from his older brother for any sorrow he may cause by marrying before him (Minchas Yitzchak, ibid.).
A Younger Sister First?
Rabbi Yaakov Kanievski, zt”l, the Steipler Gaon, ruled that, according to all opinions, parents should not refrain from marrying off a girl before her older brother as girls usually and naturally tend to wed at a younger age than boys (Toledos Yaakov, p. 321).
Furthermore, the Ohr HaChayim (Bereishis 29:26) seems to imply, from Yaakov’s wish to marry Rachel (who was younger than her sister Leah), that there is no absolute prohibition to marry off a girl before her older sister.
We should add that in today’s day and age when there seems to be a major shidduch crisis, there is even greater reason to allow a girl to marry before her older sister as it is prudent to seize every opportunity that arises. The girl, though, should lovingly beg forgiveness from her older sister for any sorrow she may cause by marrying before her.