Priorities
‘According To Their Wisdom And Their Age’
(Bava Basra 120a)
Our daf quotes the Torah (Bamidbar 27:2-3) as listing the daughters of Tzelofchad, according to their chochma (wisdom), when they came forth to ask for their shares of their father’s inheritance. However, when they marry, the Torah (Bamidbar 36:11) lists them in age order. This supports R. Ami who directs that in matters of Torah, we give priority to chochma, and at a banquet, priority is given to the oldest.
Marrying Before An Older Sibling?
In his commentary on our sugya (s.v. Lehalan), the Rashbam explains that Tzelofchad’s daughters married in the order of their age, in conformity with Lavan’s dictate: “In our place, people do not give the younger daughter before the older” (Bereishis 29:26). Is this halacha, and if so, what is its source and does it apply to sons as well? Many halachic authorities have stated various opinions. About honoring rabbis and Torah scholars, the Tur asserts that at a banquet or wedding feast we should seat the oldest participant at the head of the table (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah end of 244) and the Rashbam comments likewise on our sugya (s.v. Bimesibah, ve’hu de’maflig b’ziknah).
According to the Bach, though, the Tur meant that one must not arrange a younger brother’s wedding before that of an older brother. The Gemara, in this interpretation, intended that one should arrange one’s children’s weddings (and, as a result, its celebration meals) according to their age, sons as well as daughters. The Shach agrees with this ruling.
However, is there a prohibition to marry before one’s older brother and, if so, is it the father who is forbidden to arrange such a marriage, or is the younger brother alone responsible? And what about sisters? May a sister wed before her older brother?
Our Gemara cites the example of Tzelofchad’s daughters, apparently leading us to think that only sisters should marry in the order of their age, whereas a younger brother, who must observe the mitzvah to beget children, need not wait. Some poskim, though, claim that younger brothers must not wed before their older brothers, as such an act would dishonor the older brother and they, the younger brothers, are after all obliged to respect their older brothers (Kesubos 103a).
The obligation to honor their older brothers temporarily exempts them from the mitzvah to beget children (Responsa Avnei Chefetz 25). However, some poskim maintain that younger brothers are only obliged to honor their firstborn older brother (see Responsa Shevus Yaakov 1:76, and Responsa Chasam Sofer 6:29). By the same token, we may ask if a younger brother must wait for his older sister to marry, as poskim also disagree whether he is obliged to honor her (see Shevus Yaakov, ibid., and Birkei Yosef on Yoreh Deah 240).
Just Courteous And Ethical Behavior
The issue of a younger brother not being married before an older brother is only an individual opinion, and the Maharsham explicitly asserts that the principle is a matter of polite and ethical behavior (3:136). The prohibition, then, only applies to daughters. One should never delay the wedding of a younger brother of an older unmarried sister. He must observe the mitzvah of begetting children.
Moreover, it is only the father who must arrange for his older sons to marry first, whereas the brothers themselves have no such obligation (according to Rabbi Yaakov Kanievsky’s interpretation of the Shach – see his Toledos Yaakov, p. 321). It seems, though, that the Chasam Sofer heeded the custom to refrain from marrying off younger brothers before older ones, and he even relates that his mentor, Rabbi Nosson Adler, zt”l, told him that he had once erred in allowing someone to do otherwise. “Therefore,” concludes the Chasam Sofer, “I shall not transgress the words of the Torah!” (Iggros Soferim 29).
A Novel Interpretation
However, aside from the Maharsham, many poskim (Iggros Moshe, Even Haezer 2:1; Minchas Yitzchak 7:125) maintain that the opinion of the Rashbam, the Tur, and Rashi (Bamidbar 36:11) that a younger brother should not marry before an older one applies only if both brothers have committed themselves to shidduchim. In such instances, the older son’s wedding should be held first. The Divrei Chaim added that Tzelofchad’s daughters were perhaps all married on the same day and the weddings were therefore arranged in the order of their age (Responsa Divrei Yatziv, Even Haezer 9).
In conclusion, in their opinion a younger brother may wed before an older one, and the Chazon Ish ruled accordingly (Kovetz Iggros 1:166). Nevertheless, Rabbi Yitzchak Yaakov Weiss, zt”l, remarks that, whenever possible, a younger brother should beg forgiveness of his older brother for any sorrow thereby caused. However, according to Rabbi Weiss, regardless of sensitivities, he may marry anyway (Minchas Yitzchak, ibid.).
A Younger Sister First?
Rabbi Yaakov Kanievsky, zt”l, the Steipler Gaon, ruled that, according to all opinions, parents should not refrain from marrying off a younger sister before her older brother, as daughters usually and naturally tend to wed at a younger age than sons (Toldos Yaakov, p. 321).
Further, Ohr HaChayyim (Bereishis 29:26) seems to imply, from Yaakov’s wish to marry Rachel, the younger sister, that there is no absolute prohibition to marry off the younger sister before the older one.
We must add that in today’s day and age when there seems to be a major shidduch crisis, we would allow a younger sister to marry before an older one, as it is prudent to seize the opportunity when it arises. As above, she should lovingly beg forgiveness of her older sister for any sorrow caused. Hopefully with such feelings of love they will each dance at each other’s weddings.
