One’s Lifetime Partner
‘The Only Poor In Israel [Are] The Subtly Wicked…’
(Sanhedrin 76a)
Our sugya is discussing a parent’s responsibility in marrying off children. Rabbi Akiva chastises a father who delays the marriage of his daughter as this may lead to great moral harm to her. Further yet, R. Kahana said in Rabbi Akiva’s name that if the father does so for selfish reasons, he is referred to as “subtly wicked.” Rashi (ad. loc. s.v. “mash’heh bito bogeres…”) explains that he wishes to save the expense and instead of hiring help, he selfishly withholds his daughter in marriage in order that she perform that labor.
Be Wary Of Advice
Related to this, R. Kahana also reports in Rabbi Akiva’s name that one is to be wary of accepting advice from someone who might have an overarching interest in the matter. Rabbeinu Yonasan (cited by Chamra V’Chaya) explains that this refers to a case where the father advises his daughter that the proposed mate be rejected on the grounds that he is not suitable for her. While not rejecting such advice outright, the young lady is wise to examine the reason for her father’s advice. Is it perhaps, as Rashi explains, because he has a self-interest in wishing not to lose her services in the form of the household chores she performs? If she so determines, she is within her rights to reject his advice. Thus, according to Rabbeinu Yonasan, in spite of the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em – honoring one’s parents – a child is sometimes permitted to disobey a parent’s wish when it involves the selection of a mate.
A Matter Of Comfort
The Maharik (shoresh 166 sk3, cited by Rema, Yoreh De’ah 240, at the end) cites three reasons to permit a son to disregard his parent’s disapproval of his marriage choice:
Firstly, he points out that the Gemara (Kiddushin 32a) concludes that a child only need provide for a parent from their own resources and is not duty bound to expend any of his own resources in the course of so doing. Secondly, marrying someone of one’s own choosing and liking is vital for the sake of shalom bayis – marital harmony – and as such is considered a mitzvah. That mitzvah in turn will override the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em. Lastly, a child only has to obey a parent’s conflicting wishes when it pertains to his comfort. However, where there is no such factor involved, he need not be concerned.
Fear Of Parents
Sefer HaMachneh (Kiddushin op. cit.) disputes this view and asserts that though there will be no violation of kibbud av va’em, there is nevertheless a violation of the command “Ish imo v’aviv tira’u” (Vayikra 19:3) – one is required to fear his parents. Indeed, it is reported that Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zt”l, actually ruled in a case where it was feared that the father would suffer excessive anguish if the son were to disregard him, that the son must comply with the father’s request.
Ve’Talmud Torah K’neged Kulam
The Terumat Hadeshen (siman 40, and cited by the Mechaber, Yoreh De’ah 240:25) was asked regarding a young man who wished to travel to a distant country to further his Torah studies, where he would be studying under a prominent Torah scholar. The problem was that his father objected to the trip on the grounds that the roads were dangerous which, as a result, would cause him great worry for his son’s safety.
The sage ruled that the son need not take heed of his father’s objection because the mitzvah of Torah study takes precedence over the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em as well as fearing one’s parents. As a proof for his ruling, he cites the Gemara (Megillah 16b) that Yaakov Avinu was not punished for neglecting the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em (nor for violating the requirement to fear his parents) for those fourteen years that he studied in the beis hamidrash of Shem and Ever.
