A reader, S.W., of New Jersey, sent in this question for the Rabbis panel: Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about “gender disappointment” when a woman gives birth, to the point where she reaches out for support on social media. I’ve heard words being used such as “mourning,” which to me sounds terrible, especially when a woman is, b”H, giving birth to a healthy baby. It doesn’t sound in-line with daas Torah. I would love to hear the opinions of the rabbanim on this matter.
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A child is a gift from the Ribbono Shel Olam. It is the height of chutzpah to “mourn” Hashem’s gift! We Jews believe in hashgacha peratit and embrace all of Hashem’s decisions. What horrible behavior it is to mourn the birth of a Jewish child, especially after the Holocaust and October 7!
– Rabbi Chaim Jachter is a prominent rabbi who serves as the rabbi at Congregation Shaarei Orah, the Sephardic Congregation of Teaneck, and is a popular Torah teacher at the Torah Academy of Bergen County. He also serves as a Dayan on the Beth Din of Elizabeth and has acquired an international reputation of excellence in the area of Get administration. He has authored sixteen books on issues ranging from contemporary Halacha, Tanach, Aggada, and Jewish Thought all available on Amazon.
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It’s interesting that among the berachos that we recite every morning are Shelo asani goy, Shelo asani aved and Shelo asani isha (Hashem has not made me a non-Jew; a (Cana’anite) slave; a woman). And obviously the last of these three requires a substitution if the one reciting is a woman, and that is She’asani kirtzono – He has made according to His will.
Now, the question why the need to differentiate the genders with this last blessing that we mentioned, perhaps there is no need at all for this blessing? The answer is that there are definite physical differences between the genders and our Sages teach that women are free of any obligation to perform time related mitzvos. Among those obligations is thrice-daily prayer (though many women have accustomed themselves to nevertheless pray).
Thus, man and woman are equal but different, a woman is entrusted with the role of creating the home and future generations. The man, on the other hand, is engaged in Torah study and supporting the household. Each has their proper role.
According to the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus, chap. 15:4) the requirement to fulfill the mitzvah of peru u’revu – to procreate – is to have (at the minimum) a son and a daughter.
Possibly in such a scenario where one has had only sons or only daughters there might be gender disappointment when they do not have that daughter or son that they so seek; such disappointment would be understood not only as human nature but as a sign of their anxiety at not contributing to the continuation of the species, as the Torah states (Bereishis 1:27) “Zachar u’nekeva bara osam – Male and female did He create them.”
Nevertheless, there is a story that I was told that Rav Yaakov Yitzchok Ruderman, zt”l, the Ner Yisrael founder and rosh yeshiva only had the one daughter, Rebbetzin Chana Weinberg. However, when she gave birth to a son, he celebrated because not only did she present her husband and herself with a son, but she also presented her father, as well, with a male progeny and thus his obligation of peru u’revu was fulfilled.
– Rabbi Yaakov Klass is chairman of the Presidium of the Rabbinical Alliance of America; rav of Congregation K’hal Bnei Matisyahu in Flatbush, Brooklyn; and Torah editor of The Jewish Press. He can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected].
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There is nothing wrong with the desire to have a child of a specific gender. Not only that but having that child may represent the fulfillment of the mitzvah of having children. In addition, Chazal speak of certain advantages of one gender over the other. Despite the above when a person is blessed with the birth of a child, it would seem to be a great act of kofuy tovah to allow what should be at most a mild disappointment to mar the simcha of being the great recipient of the kindness of Hashem. We must also trust in Hashem that he knows what’s best for us.
G-d does not owe us anything and yet He still showers us with great beracha. Certainly, to live by this mentality in the gut is an elevated level. But for a person who finds themselves in the midst of a great simcha, to express a feeling of mourning, is a kilkul hamidos. This feeling is growing out of a sense of entitlement, a bad middah prevalent in our days. Society around us gives us the feeling that we are meant to have it all. The Torah way is the opposite; we must work to see that everything is the kindness of our loving Father who does not owe us a thing. For every small piece of pleasure and satisfaction in this world we must give thanks Hashem.
– Rabbi Yehoshua Heber is rav of Khal Tomchai Torah at Yeshiva Torah Vodaath and dayan at Bdatz Mishptai Yisrael.
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The phenomenon of gender disappointment is definitely not in keeping with a Torah outlook on life. We are commanded to be “fruitful and multiply” and to populate the world. These mitzvos are both personally beneficial and beneficial to the world. On a personal level, children give the parents posterity beyond their physical existence, provide then with nachas, the ability to nurture and give, challenges that engender growth, and also when the children are grown and parents get older the children can provide help and caring. Having children benefits the world by providing new servants of Hashem to spread Torah, and to develop and perfect the world. This is all from a Torah perspective with belief that G-d creates and provides for the sustenance of the world.
However, from a purely selfish, self-centered, secular perspective children are viewed as a burden, encroaching on one’s freedom and finances, and as a threat to the depletion of the earth’s natural resources.
From a Torah viewpoint one must be grateful for every child, especially thankful for a healthy pregnancy and birth and healthy child. Every child is a precious present and sacred responsibility. Boys have their unique role to play and girls their unique role. Hence, we are enjoined to make a special blessing on the birth of a boy and a different one on the birth of a girl. These blessings are made irrelevant to the gender that one would have preferred.
Considering how many couples have difficulty in having children and would give anything for either gender, for one to be so ungrateful for G-d’s gift of a child of either gender and to feel disappointed or, chas v’sholom, mournful is a serious lack of proper middos and must be corrected through learning mussar and character building.
– Rabbi Zev Leff is rav of Moshav Matisyahu and a popular lecturer and educator.
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Gender disappointment is the feeling of sadness parents experience when their desire for a child of a preferred sex is not met. The Torah considers it a blessing whenever any child, boy or girl, is born. While it is true that the Gemara (Berachot 59b) states we recite the beracha of “ha-tov ve-hameitiv” specifically upon the birth of a boy and not upon the birth of a girl, the Rashba (Shut Ha-Rashba 4:77) explains that this is because there was a tangible benefit in the birth of a son, as boys traditionally grew to help their parents in old age. This may be tied to the halacha that a daughter is not obligated in the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em once she gets married (Kiddushin 30b).
However, circumstances have changed, and it is often daughters, not sons, who take care of their parents in their old age. In light of this shift, some modern-day poskim like Rav Nachum Rabinovitch and Rav Yosef Zvi Rimon have ruled that nowadays parents may recite this beracha for the birth of a girl as well. At the very least, the Mishnah Berurah (223:2) rules that one should recite a beracha of “she-hechiyanu” upon the birth of a girl, affirming that Jewish tradition sees both the birth of a boy and a girl as a blessing. Therefore, one should certainly not mourn when the desire for a child of a preferred sex is not met.
What should we do about this phenomenon of gender disappointment? As a society, it is important to emphasize gratitude for the blessing of a healthy child, regardless of sex, as this reflects the will of Hashem. We must also reinforce that both men and women are of equal value in the eyes of the Torah, even if their roles may differ.
– Rabbi Jonathan Muskat is the rabbi of the Young Israel of Oceanside, a rebbe at Shulamith High School, and a pastoral health care liaison at Mount Sinai South Nassau.
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Having children of any sex is a gift of unimaginable kindness. I know of people who have been trying to have a child for such a long time who would give anything to have a child male or female.
The Talmud is replete with statements lauding and praising both male and female children and for one to mourn the birth of either one is a grave sin, a slap in the face of Almighty G-d for this wonderful gift of giving birth to a child.
If these parents are mourning the birth of a female child, let me remind them that some of our greatest leaders were female, and especially today when women are making such an impact on Judaism the world over, they should be overjoyed and thankful to Hashem
So, rejoice and embrace this wonderful miracle and lift your hand to Hashem and say, Thank you, thank you, thank you
– Rabbi Mordechai Weiss lives in Efrat, Israel, and previously served as an elementary and high school principal in New Jersey and Connecticut. He was also the founder and rav of Young Israel of Margate, N.J. His email is [email protected].
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First and foremost, let us not judge a woman who is post-partum. All sorts of hormones, emotions, yearnings, fears, fantasies, and pressures are percolating within her and what she articulates is not always reasoned and thoughtful. Indeed, Chazal (Niddah 31b) declared that one reason a yoledet brought a sin-offering in the Beit HaMikdash during her purification period is that, at some point during labor, she invariably and emphatically swore off relations with her husband. So, we should not be too didactic about the pronouncements of a new mother.
Second, in terms of the substance, I have never before heard of the concept of “gender disappointment” which apparently has been making the rounds on social media. I suppose on some level there is a desire to fulfill the mitzvah of procreation which requires the production of a boy and a girl – but that mitzvah pertains to the father, not the mother. And in any event, it is not fully within our power. All we can do, in the language of the Gemara (Shabbat 31a), is to be osek b’priyah v’r’viyah, to be engaged in procreation. Ultimately, the gender of the child that blesses the parents is in the hands of Heaven.
The obvious should also be stated: there are so many possibilities for malfunctions in the process of gestation and birth that we should perceive the delivery of a healthy child as a blessing, a gift from Hashem, and the occasion for joy regardless of gender. To be disappointed with a gift and a blessing is bad form, so unimaginable that it can only be attributed to someone who is overcome by the effects of the birth and inevitably will soon pass, and properly so, as mother and father embrace this new addition to their lives and our people.
– Rav Steven Pruzansky is rabbi emeritus of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun (Teaneck, N.J.), senior research associate at the Jerusalem Center for Applied Policy (Jcap.ngo), and author of “Repentance for Life” and “Redemption for Today” (Kodesh Press).
