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Men Greeting Women – Problematic Or Just Courtesy?

13 Adar I 5784 – February 21, 2024

Photo Credit: Nati Shohat/Flash90

The Talmud teaches that “one may not inquire [she’eilat shalom] about the welfare of a woman.”¹ This form of greeting, “she’eilat shalom, ” generally refers to greeting others with the words, “Shalom aleichem.” When one Jew meets another, he traditionally greets him with “Shalom aleichem,” and the other returns the greeting with “Aleichem shalom.”

Greeting a fellow Jew in this manner was instituted by the Sages² so that Jews would greet each other using one of G-d’s names (Shalom).³ Shalom does not merely mean “hello,” as it is commonly used in everyday Hebrew; a greeting of “Shalom aleichem” is a prayer that the person one is greeting be blessed with peace and that G-d rest upon him.⁴ One who does not return a greeting is considered to be a robber, as the one who does not respond “steals” a greeting (and blessing) from another person.⁵

It is said that greeting people with “Shalom aleichem” brings people closer together.⁶ As such, a man should not greet a woman with “Shalom aleichem” so that they do not become overly social with one another. According to this approach, there would be no problem for a man to greet a woman with “good morning” or “how are you?” as these other greetings do not bring people closer together in the same way that “Shalom aleichem” does.⁷

Indeed, even though “she’eilat shalom” is forbidden on Tisha b’Av, many authorities permit saying “good morning” to others on Tisha b’Av.⁸ As the Be’er Heitev writes: “It is possible to say that since most of our greetings today consist of simply ‘good morning,’ it is not the true she’eilat shalom [which is forbidden].… Furthermore, it says in the Beit Yosef…that saying ‘hello’ is permissible [on Tisha b’Av]. It also seems from the Darkei Moshe that greetings are only forbidden when one mentions G-d’s name.… Anything else is not she’eilat shalom.”⁹ We see from here that only greeting women with the word “shalom” could possibly be a violation of “she’eilat shalom.” All other forms of greeting should be permissible if done in a modest way.

Based on the above, most authorities permit greeting women in any way, and in any language, as long as the Hebrew “Shalom aleichem” is not used. One may also wish a woman “mazel tov” or condolences as appropriate.¹⁰ Others rule that all social interaction is forbidden, and even merely saying “good morning” should be avoided unless there is a need to do so.¹¹ There is also a view that the problem with “greeting” women only applies to married women and not to single women.¹²

Nevertheless, most authorities argue that saying “good morning” and the like to members of the opposite sex is simply common courtesy nowadays, and is therefore permitted. Common custom is in accordance with this view.¹³ Some extend this dispensation and allow even saying “Shalom aleichem” to members of the opposite sex, as it too, has become commonplace and does not arouse the same level of informality and closeness that it once did.

Saying “shalom,” as is done in Israel, is certainly not a problem according to this view.¹⁴ One who knows that greeting a woman will not lead to any improper thoughts is permitted to do so.¹⁵ Some say that a man is forbidden to greet a woman with “shalom” or “Shalom aleichem” but is permitted to respond, as would be normal, to a woman who greets him in this manner.¹⁶

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