My father, Rabbi Yehuda Schwarz, passed away about a month and a half ago. What words can I begin to describe the void his absence has left? The great longing that I have for my dear father is hard to describe. He was my best friend, and was always there for me. I would tell him all my secrets, share with him my troubles. Cry with him and laugh at the same time. I used to come by and make him food to eat. He would say you’re a good cooker and a good looker.
I always thought he would live forever. I used to see my dad every week. I assumed that I would see him next week again and again till the end of time. I never quite prepared my self that some day those visits would come to an end. I always believed in my childish way, that the weeks and months would go by, and the time wouldn’t pass, and we would stay together forever.
I used to visit regularly, on Sundays. The Sunday night that he passed away, I couldn’t come. I recall telling him on the phone during the day that I wouldn’t be there Sunday night, and that I would come instead on Monday. “Don’t worry” he told me, “I love you so much, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” That’s what he always said, no matter what, “Don’t worry, it’s okay, I love you anyway.”
I came the next day, and he was already gone. He went to sleep, and didn’t wake up.
My heart was broken. My soul was shattered. How can I go on? I came running in the next morning. Crying my eyes out, as I saw him lying there on the floor, waiting for the burial committee to come and bring him to the cemetery. My brother found him in the morning, in his bed motionless, with a smile on his face. The angles above came to greet him and escorted him to the heavenly throne up above. I’m sure the welcoming entourage up in Shamayim was tremendous.
I lay by his side for the next few hours and cried. I kept asking him why he didn’t wait for me? Why didn’t he wait for me to say goodbye?
My dad, and I were so close. It’s funny, I think every child thinks that their parent loves them the most. But I was sure he loved me the most. If I would have come that last Sunday night, I probably would have noticed that something was off and I wouldn’t have left him alone that night. And then the soul wouldn’t have been able to go and soar high above the clouds.
It’s written that the soul can’t leave this world when the people that love him are standing around. So the soul waits for a moment when no one’s around, so that he could leave this world and go up to the heavenly courts.
I cried so much it didn’t seem real. How can I be speaking about my father in past tense? How can you not be there to hug me to tell me not to worry, “everything’s gonna be alright.” How would it be okay from now on?
How could my best friend have left? I didn’t say goodbye, I screamed and cried but he was gone.
The week of the shiva came and went. I was just waiting for him to return, ready to see him sitting in the kitchen.
People came to visit during that week to comfort the whole family. It was quite a challenge. So many people came, especially family. My father always told us to stick together. It would have made him so happy to see everyone together, just like that in his very home.
Many people said the wrong things like “Oh, he was 89, or he died in his sleep. What a blessing.” This didn’t really feel comforting for me. I just wanted my father to come back and comfort me, and tell me that he loves me. Tell me that he’ll see me soon.
No matter at what age a parent dies, losing them is still very hard.
I didn’t quite know how to pick myself up.
I went back to work. I went through my daily routine with such a big hole in my heart.
I try to think of my dad on a deeper level and of what he would want me to do now, but the longing for him is so great my mind doesn’t allow me to reach higher just yet.
When someone so dear passes away you can perhaps feel other people’s pain as well. Unfortunately, this past year, so many people have lost loved ones: people of all ages with this terrible war.
My dear father was a Torah scholar, he was a leader and a hard worker; he was a visionary.
I miss his hugs. He was so proud of me. He thought the world of me and as far as he was concerned I had no blemishes, I was totally good.
I know he’s in a good place. I know he’s happy. It’s the people that are left here that suffer. I hope to go on in the path you set forth for us all.
You are greatly missed and I think about you daily. Please watch over us all and beg the Almighty to redeem us all in mercy, today. Love always your sweet little Muzinka.
