For example, if they ask you come for a certain Shabbos or Yom Tov?
One of the most central mitzvos of the Torah is Kibud Av v’Aim; honoring one’s parents is compared to the honoring of G-d Himself. When a person gives the appropriate kavod to his parents Hashem says that it is as if He is living among them and received that kavod. Unfortunately, in today’s times many do not give their parents the respect as prescribed by the Torah. We are lax in standing up for them, we don’t refrain from contradicting and in general are not sensitive to the high standard demanded of us by halacha.
At the same time a parent should not make unnecessary demands on children and should not make satisfying them difficult for their offspring. It’s certainly proper for parents to invite children to join them for Shabbos but it’s not really their place to insist that the child come for a specific time. Even so, children must make it their business to figure out the wants of their parents and do as much as they can to fulfill the will of the parents. Not only with regards to visiting but for all matters pertaining to parents, a child must try to fulfil not only what they are asked but the full ratzon of the parent.
– Rabbi Yehoshua Heber is Rav of Khal Tomchai Torah at Yeshiva Torah Vodaath and Dayan at Bdatz Mishptai Yisrael.
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We have no further to look than the very beginning of the Torah (Genesis 2:24) “Al kein ya’azov ish es aviv v’es imo v’davak b’ishto v’hayu l’basar echad – Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one flesh.”
Interesting is how we learn from here this concept; surely, Adam and Chava were unique in that neither had parents nor in laws. Then how is this teaching carried forth to future generations, where there is surely no comparison?
Our sages derive many things from this verse. Yet I see another clear exposition. Just as Adam and Chava both had no parents (save for our Heavenly Creator, the Holy One Blessed Is He) and they constituted a family, so all succeeding generations. Once one is married, they are off on their own, and save for courtesy and love parents cannot demand of their children unending attention.
A parent may make a request but they must realize that they cannot force any compliance or, if one prefers, any obedience from their married child, son or daughter.
The young couple on the other hand should show the parents/in-laws the love and gratitude for the role they played toward their current situation and development. In this way, with Hashem’s blessings, they will enjoy multi generations of joy and nachas together.
– Rabbi Yaakov Klass is chairman of the Presidium of the Rabbinical Alliance of America; rav of Congregation K’hal Bnei Matisyahu in Flatbush, Brooklyn; and Torah Editor of The Jewish Press. He can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected].
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Certainly, after one gets married, there is still an obligation of Kibud Av v’Aim, to honor one’s parents, respect them and treat them with dignity and appreciation for everything they have done for them. Especially in our day and age, a time when the concept of appreciation is largely non-existent and the only thing parents seem to get is blame for not having done enough, not doing something right, etc. It behooves any child when he gets married to start – if he hasn’t before – realizing how much their parents did for them.
At the same time, when one gets married there is a significant difference; now he has begun his own family, and, to a large degree, left his birth family. Many times, this becomes an issue, especially if one spouse feels uncomfortable at the in-laws, or uncomfortable in a given situation. Then depending on the severity, it certainly would greatly impact the obligation, and in fact when push comes to shove, one is more obligated to his spouse at that point than one would be to his parents. There have been many times when in certain marriages, either his mother or her mother decides to park themselves in the marriage and can cause quite a bit of damage. If it does come to that sort of situation, then – as the pasuk says, “Al kein ya’azav ish es aviv v’es imo v’davak b’ishto beishto” – one’s first obligation is to one’s spouse before kibbud av v’em.
However, it is very important that as in any of these types of situations, one asks advice. Often time, the way to approach things is not so readily apparent, and asking someone older and wiser will greatly benefit everyone involved.
– Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier is founder of The Shmuz and author of 10 Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make (available at theshmuz.com).
